A Few Shades Darker
by MidnightSteele
Summary: What if things would have gone differently when Ana told Christian she loved him? What if the events that transpire trigger some of Ana's dark past? What happens when fifty tries to overcome his past? Will they both be able to move forward and stop looking behind them? It's a long road to recovery, how will Christian and Ana handle the journey?
1. How It Happened

**_"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up." – James A. Baldwin  
_**

Chapter 1 – How It Happened

APOV

"I love you, Christian." I say in one breath, I need to tell him, he needed to know. "You can't love me Ana. I don't have a heart." He says and I feel the tears welling up in my eyes "Christian, you do have a heart. Why can't you see that? You never give yourself enough credit!" I say and my voice starts to rise, why can't he just realize it? _Because he's fifty shades of fucked up, Ana. That's why. _"STOP!" he bellows and before I know it his hand is across my face.

I'm holding my burning face with tears streaming down my face. "Christian" I say through sobs. I can't believe he hit me. He only ever beat woman when it was consented between the two. Why would he do this? Does he really hate himself this much; does he hate me this much? I didn't mean to, I just wanted to tell him how I felt. I thought he might feel the same, I guess I was wrong. Who could ever love little mousy Anastasia Steele. His words come back to me, "You're worthless" "Nobody is going to love you" "You're ugly and fat". No, that was in the past, I can't let his words affect me. I can't let either of their actions affect me.

"Ana, I'm so sorry." Christian says remorseful taking a step towards me and I back up. "Don't touch me." I say in a faint whisper so he just hears me. I can't talk now, all the memories are falling back to me. I'm going to breakdown; I won't let him see my tears. Not again, I'm not as weak as I was before. Without another word I go back into his bedroom where I find my suitcase. I pull out the glider I bought in Georgia and put it on his bed along with a note reminding him of happier times. I don't want to have this with me; I don't want anything that will remind me of him. I hope he realizes how much he cares, how much I care. I don't know why I care after what he just did to me. _Because you love him, idiot. It was different last time, you never cared for him._

I walk out into the great room with my suitcase in hand and Christian is still in the same place I left him. He gasps when he sees me and I see sadness in his eyes. I turn away and proceed to put the Mac, Blackberry, and Audi keys on the counter. I don't want to look at him, I can't. It huts to see him like this despite what he did. Why do I have to love such a fucked up man? Why does he have to let his past define him? We could have been great and he ruined us. There was supposed to be more but I'm left with nothing. My heart feels empty and so full at the same time.

I zip my bag back up and turn to see Christian watching me intently. "Goodbye, Christian." I say in just above a whisper, not trusting my own voice again. There are silent tears running down my burning face and I know they are going to turn into massive uncontrolled sobs soon enough. "Ana, please don't leave" he responds in the same tone as me "I can't stay" I say weakly and get into the elevator. The last sight I see is Christian falls to his knees on the threshold of the foyer. He looks broken, but he broke me.

My legs give out as the elevator brings me down to the ground floor. I sit silently on the floor of the elevator listening to the pinging of floors; bring me closer to my own personal hell. I'm going home, to an empty apartment, alone. I make a quick exit out of the building and walk quickly with my head down the few blocks to my apartment. It's almost dawn and I'm exhausted by the time I reach my apartment. I fall into my bed with unwelcoming nightmares of my past and present.

* * *

**A/N You will soon find out why I had Christian react the way he did. You will also find out about Ana. I've reread the books a couple of times, and then started reading between the lines; and coming up with my own thoughts about some things. Can you guess why he did what he did? What about what's going on with Ana? Hope you guys like it, let me know what you think.**


	2. In The Dark

**_"The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost." - Gilbert K. Chesterton_**

Chapter 2 – In The Dark

CPOV

I don't know how long I sit there staring at the elevator on my knees, she left me. _She had every reason to, you hit her you idiot._ I can't believe I did it, I just got so angry. I didn't mean to, I really didn't. I never wanted to be like him. I've never wanted to take my violence out on anyone unless it was consented. I don't know what came over me; I just had all this burning rage. I didn't understand how anyone could love me; I'm a shell of a man, even more so now. I've never deserved Ana, I tried to stay away from her; I really did. I just couldn't, something drew me to her. Maybe it was love, maybe she was right.

I've never thought of myself as having a heart, my past wouldn't let me. _You've been blaming your entire present on your past, you always have._ My inner voice says and I mentally scold myself. I have, haven't I? I've let what the crack whore and pimp did to me, affect me. I let it run my life, control me. I always thought I was in control of my life but I've been avoiding the inevitable. I've never dealt like the past like I should have. I should have fought it better; I could have fought it better.

I could have controlled my anger with Ana, I know I could have. I do love her, I know it. But I hurt her; I knew it the moment it happened. Her face got red and the tears streamed rapidly down her face. She was hurt physically and emotionally and it's my entire fault. I let my past not only affect me but the people around me, the people who cared about, the person who loved me. She said she loved me and I freaked, I didn't know what to do. The most perfect woman in the world told me she loved me and I hit her. I hit her!

_I'm no better than him, I'm no better than him. _It chants over and over in my head. I can be better than him, I tell myself. I will be better than him, I have to be. I'm going to do it for Ana, I'm going to be better for Ana, she deserves better. How do I make myself better? _Don't let your past control you._ I can do that, it in the past right? What's done is done, it may have left scars but it can't hurt me anymore. I start to think back to the past and things that I let affect me today.

I let my Dom side take over and lose control. I let it hurt the woman I know realize I love, how could I be so stupid? I've always had control of that side of me and I lost it. _Get rid of him._ My inner voice says and I contemplate this, how do I get rid of him? How do I make him go away? _Get rid of that lifestyle, you don't need it. You know what you need and you know why you lost it._ I lost Ana and I need Ana, I can't live without her. She is the light of my life; she drags me out of the darkness unknowingly. I won't need that lifestyle as long as I have Ana. I didn't realize it until I hurt her and I don't want to hurt her again. That lifestyle is abominate to me now, how could I do that to Ana. To anyone for that matter, have I really let my fifty shades of fucked up get to that many people. It may have been consensual but I hit them, I hit them like the pimp. I would be no better than him if I did it again and I promised myself to be better than him.

Okay, so get rid of the playroom. I don't need it and it only hurts people. Control your business, not the people you love. It hurts them, it hurts you. It may take some time for this one, I need Flynn's help. I need more things to control or it will feel as if things are tumbling around me. I'm use to controlling all aspects of my life and I need to let up a little bit. I can't control everything in my life, I just can't. You can't control everything that happens, some things are unstoppable. Okay, so I need to talk to Flynn before I can see Ana again. I need to get her back but I need to get my shit together first. I'm doing this for myself though; I need to learn to be happy. I'm happy with Ana but things need to change if I am going to get her back.

Things need to change so I can feel better about myself. So I can learn how to use this heart I must have. I love Ana and I need to show her that. I need to show the people I care about how much they mean to me. Before it's too late, I don't want to lose anyone else, I can't lose anyone else. I couldn't take it; Ana leaving was enough for me to realize that my life is fucked up. Because I made it that way, it wasn't my past, it was me. I did it all by myself and I can't blame others for my problems. My past may have been the start but it was up to me to deal with it and I never had.

I thought I had, I thought BDSM fixed me. I thought it helped me but it destroyed me. I built everything in my life around it and when I need to learn to live without it, I couldn't do it. I don't lean love in my formative years so I thought I could never have it. I thought a D/s relationship was it for me. But I can have more; I can have more with Ana. She is the only woman I have ever wanted more with. She made me realize how fucked up my lifestyle is. I hurt people to get over being hurt but all's that happens is I hurt more people. I can't hurt anyone else; I won't let myself hurt anymore people. They don't deserve it, nobody deserves to be hit. It isn't right, it can't be moral. Love is moral, I want love.

Elena always told me love is for fools. But I want to love now and she can't stop me. She has been controlling me too long, I won't stand for it any longer. I thought her teaching me this lifestyle helped me. If she had never taught me it, I would have found another way, a better way. She took advantage of me, I was a hormonal teenager and she took advantage of me. She was my mother's friend and she still went after me. She was twice my age looking for a plaything and I was there. I was lost and she brainwashed me. She told me it was what I needed, that I would help me. It may have helped me for a while but it backfired on me.

I didn't know any other way when I met Ana, BDSM was all I knew. I let my troubled adolescent years be taken over by Elena and I never learned how to be normal. I never realized love was what I needed to help me, Ana gave me love and she saved me. Elena just took control of my life, I may have stopped drinking and fighting but maybe I was just scared. Scared to be beat like when I was a child. So I let her take control, I can't believe I could be so stupid. She told me my parents wouldn't believe me but now I know better. They would have believed me because they loved me, unconditionally. They wouldn't have done what they did for me if they hadn't.

I was a scared teenage boy and she molded me into what she wanted me to be, a dominate businessman that she had within her grasp. She made me believe I was in control when she really had it all. She told me a submissive had all the power, I didn't though. I had no power and I still let her get away with it. I thought I did though, I could say no at any time and I got to have sex with a hot older woman. It's every teenage guys dream; hot older woman comes onto you and offers you meaningless sex. I thought that because it was consensual, it made it okay. But it wasn't okay, I was underage and she took advantage of me. It's taking me forever to wrap my mind around this, I let this happen. I could have said no, I could have told someone. I didn't though, I let it go on and I've let it go on ever since.

We had a sexual relationship for six years and it didn't just end there. I gave her control over almost everything my whole adult life. I didn't even realize I was doing it; she made me believe I was control. While I was her submissive, I thought I was in control. When she let me dominate her, I thought I was in control. But, she was only teaching me for her own motives. She knew she could still gain control while I was a Dominate. She was good at it to, a real manipulative bitch.

I went to Harvard and our sexual relationship continued. When I dropped out of Harvard, she gave me the money to start my company. She helped me become a Dominate and set me up with woman, I thought she was being helpful, I now see that it was just about control for her. It was always about control for her, it never stopped. I thought it stopped after my submission but I now see it clearly.

I let her chose my subs and gave her that control without a second thought. I was naïve, to think that her controlling me would simply stop. And it didn't get any better after Linc found out about us. I felt horrible that I had caused her to be beaten that bad. Now that I think about it though, she deserved what she had coming to her, as horrible as that sounds.

She added fuel to the fire that was my already fucked up past, I wish I would have known that then. I wouldn't have felt all torn up about her being beaten if I had known that then. Don't get me wrong, I don't agree with what he did and there were better ways to deal with that situation but I don't feel bad about it either. I think I need to talk to Flynn about this too, is it wrong that I no longer feel remorseful over the situation?

What else have I let Elena control in my life? My adolescent years, my two years at Harvard, my sexual relationships, and my business, MY BUSINESS! Fuck, she did, didn't she? She gave me the money to start it and after Linc left I paid her back by investing in her Salons.

Fuck, I've invested so much money in those fucking salons. They may have been profitable but I probably put in more money than I got out of it. She always gave me enough money to make it seem worth it but in the meantime she was probably giving herself more. She wouldn't have been able to afford all the things she had, if she hadn't been. We would always have those fucking lunch meetings and she would ask me for this or that, for the salon; upgrades or some shit. I paid her back as soon I bought the mother fuckers, yet I still invested more.

I thought we were friends, I guess I don't even know what a fucking friend is. I've never really had any besides for Elena. Fuck, she took that away from me to. I don't even know how to befriend my own brother. I've never talked to anyone about anything going on in my life except for Flynn and Elena. I was so closed off, and in a way she added to that. I could tell anyone about our arrangement; she would have beat the shit outta me. I didn't tell anyone my part into her divorce. I didn't tell anyone about us being friends. I've never told anyone anything besides for Flynn, he knew it all.

I talked to Ana but she's gone now and even she didn't know it all. She would have ran, I didn't want to lose her. _You've already lost her._ Maybe I should have talked to my family; I should talk to my family more. Maybe if I learn to open up to people and do the "feelings" shit, I would be able to communicate with people better. I would be able to tell Ana how I feel about her. She should know what she makes me feel, how much she affects me. That she is the light of my life and pulls me from the darkness that is my soul. Although, I don't think it's so dark anymore, everything is becoming so clear.

Okay, what's left to clear up? I've figured out that I need to get rid of my lifestyle choices. No more beating woman, no more playroom. Kink may be fine but everything else is out of the question. Elena, get rid of her. She is a no good manipulative bitch and she taints your life. She isn't your friend and she never has been. Liquidate the salons and cut off all communication. Talk to Flynn about everything I have discovered. Ask for help; listen to the help this time.

Do whatever it takes to make yourself better. This is for you and your future, you need this. He knows what he is doing and you need to listen to him. Take whatever necessary measure to get better. This will help you get Ana back. She left you because you're fucked up, she left. Fuck! She really did leave.

I'm still sitting where she left me, on the ground pleading for her not to leave. But she left, it all means nothing. She isn't here to find out everything I've discovered, she probably won't ever come back either. _Why would she? You hit her, she told you she loved you and you hurt her. _I feel like shit, right here in this moment; I'm nothing. I'm crying and I have no one to blame but myself. I let my past define who I am, I always have. I didn't realize I loved her until it was too late.

I become somewhat aware of voices in the distance, but they don't matter to me right now. I lost Ana, my light, my love. I made her leave, because I was too stupid to realize all of this before. I would give up everything I own right now, just to have her back. This woman swept into my life and saved me. What did I do to repay her? I hit her. I wanted more with her, I want more with her. I want to have everything with Ana. I want to share my life with her.

I've known her for such a short time and she's had such an impact on my life. She really did change me. Right now, in this moment; I'm a changed man. No, I'm not completely healed but, this is the farthest I've come all my life. I've never been this…free, before. I feel like so much has been lifted off my shoulders, just by coming to the realization that my lifestyle truly is fucked up.

I'm taken out of my reverie, by a soft hand on my shoulder. I look up from the ground to see an angel, Grace. She looks at me, as if she sees the broken little boy she saved once before. I'm him again, nothing's changed. I'm starting all over again, just as scared as the first time. Probably even more so now, what if I fuck it all up again? I can't… I can't ruin my life again. I can redeem myself from this hell I've been living; from the hell I lived.

"Mom" I say in a faint whisper. You can hear the brokenness in my voice; well the silent tears continue to fall down my face. In an instant, she is down by my side; wrapping me in her arms. I sit there, no longer afraid of Grace's touch. She loves me, she saved me, and she would never hurt me. She continues to hold me while I silently cry on her shoulder. She's stroking my hair, giving me a comfort I've always longed for.

We sit there for what seems like ages, and she just holds me as I cry. I let all the tears shed that should have fallen over the year. I finally let it all go, everything I've felt about my past. I can't change it so; I have to get over it. I have to live with it so, now it's time to deal with it.

When mom finally realizes I am no longer crying, she lets go of me and look at me with the same expression as before. She helps me get to my feet and leads me into the great room. It's a little hard for me to get up off the floor. I've probably been sitting there for hours coming to this realization in my head. When we get into the great room, I sit on the couch and mom sits on the other side. I also realize Flynn is sitting in one of the chairs.

**TPOV**

Gail and I woke up at 6, to find the boss sitting in the foyer. He's on his knees looking at the elevator, only he doesn't seem there. I glace at Gail and notice her look of concern; I know she really does care about him. I care about him just as much as Gail, like the son I never had. He's a good man, he just has some issues. He's seemed to have changed since Ana came into his life though, almost normal. I wonder what has him like this.

"Sir" I say and he doesn't move. It's as if he doesn't even hear me. I start to get a little more concerned about his mental state. "Sir" I say again, still nothing. This isn't right, something happened. I need to do something; I can't just sit here and watch him like this. I tell Gail to just wait there and don't do anything. I don't want him freaking out on her or something.

I walk off to my office and review the video footage from the past few hours. As I rewind all the video footage, I notice the foyer hasn't changed for hours. I stop when it backs up to him and Ana in the great room. I shouldn't be watching this but maybe it will tell me what the hell happened so I can assess the situation.

Christian had most of his back to the camera but you can see part of his face. Ana says something and I notice as the boss responds, she gets tears in her eyes. When he seems to be finished she look to be yelling while she cries and what I see next causes fury to arise in me.

I rewind it back, just to make sure my eyes didn't play tricks on me. I watch again and the same scene plays in front of me. He hits her, and I'm amazed she doesn't fall to the ground. She stumbles back a bit and clutches her face. More tears run down her face and she looks completely freighted. I can faintly see the bosses face turn from the pure rage he had a second ago, to complete remorse. He tries to take a step towards her but she steps back.

I continue to watch as she gets her things and leaves. Leaving behind the gifts he gave her on the breakfast bar. I watch as he falls to his knees once she gets in the elevator and she does the same once the doors close. She cries in the elevator and once the doors open, she makes a hasty retreat. Boss is still sitting in the foyer looking at the elevator with the same expression the whole time.

I am livid; I can't believe that sick fuck hit her. That wasn't like any of that bullshit BDSM; that was abuse. I quickly make my way back to Gail and tell her to call Flynn and maybe Grace to. I continue to watch boss making sure he doesn't do anything else stupid. I am pissed at the moment.

I'm happy it doesn't take long for Grace to arrive. As much as I would love to tell her what happened, I don't. It's not my place, he needs to do it. I'll say something to Flynn if need be, it needs to be reported to someone. I simply tell Grace that we found him like this and that we also called Flynn.

She decides that it would be best to wait for Flynn before we do anything. And not long after Flynn is arriving. I don't even think boss noticed them arriving, his gaze shifted from the elevator to the floor; a while ago.

We all watch as Grace kneels next to boss and put her hand on his shoulder. I'm standing on guard, making sure he doesn't hurt anyone. They embrace and the rest of us make ourselves invisible. Flynn sits on a chair, waiting for them to finish so they can figure out what happened. Gail makes herself busy in the kitchen and I stand by the wall to oversee everything. I know what he did; I will only leave when I make sure Flynn knows what happened.

* * *

** I know it's a little fast for him to discover all this right after she left but keep in mind that he still isn't completely healed. There is going to be a long talk with Flynn coming up and you can see why he did what he did. Any guesses? I feel like I sorta rambled in this chapter, but I hope you guys enjoyed it; Let me know what you think.**


	3. In The Light

**_"Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it." - Swedish Proverb_**

Chapter 3 – In The Light

Narrated

They are sitting in the great room when Christian finally breaks the silence, his voice just above a whisper. "Can someone check on Ana?" both Grace and Flynn look at him in confusion but he doesn't meet their gaze. Waiting for him to speak again Grace stays silent but after a short while Flynn get worried and lets the therapist in him ask the dreaded question. He has a good guess as to what's coming but he hopes it isn't so. "What happened?" he asks quietly so not to upset Christian but it's easy to hear him with the deafening silence that lingers in the room. "She might be hurt." Christian says, again not meeting their gaze and speaking softly. "Why would she be hurt; Christian?" Flynn asks knowingly, hoping this was consensual and not domestic violence.

Another round of silence, Flynn and Grace watching Christian's tears fall. This is a first sight for both of them; they have never seen Christian cry. They sit there, not knowing what to do in this situation. Before he can stop it, he starts to sob. It heartbreaking sobs that fill the apartment. "I didn't mean to. I just, I got so upset. I don't mean to hurt her." He manages to say through his sobs.

Grace gasps, shocked at what he just implied. Did he really hit her? Not my baby boy! She thinks waiting for answers. Never in a million years did she think her son would ever hit a woman. He was violent as a teenager, yes. But, he stopped that and she figured it was just him being a teenager. She thought she raised her son better. Hell, she thought he was gay up unto a few weeks ago. She would have loved him no matter what but, this? Why would he ever do such a thing? She had seen him get temperamental; she just never thought this was possible.

"Tell us what happened; Christian" Flynn says taking a deep breath and waiting for the sobs to subside. Christian still has tears streaming down his face when he finally speaks.

"She told me that she loved me. I didn't know what to do; I didn't even realize that I loved her. So, I told her that she couldn't love me, that I didn't have a heart…" he says and takes a deep breath before continuing.

"It keeps replaying in my head; it's a fucking nightmare… Her face, in that moment, it's burned into my skull. Her eyes, those beautiful blue eyes that can see into my soul; started filling with tears. Then she started telling me that I was wrong and she got louder, and told me I never give myself enough credit. I just got so angry; I don't even know why it happened. I was filled with rage and it happened so fast. I hit her…" he says while the moment replays again.

"All that I remember feeling was pure burning rage. Then realization dawned on me the moment I hit her, I realized what I did. I instantly regretted it; I really didn't mean to hit her. I don't even know how I lost that much control. I realized what I did was awful, so I tried to comfort her. But she backed away…I don't blame her. So I watched; I just watched the whole thing play out in front of me. She went to the bedroom and got her bag. When she came back out, she wouldn't look at me;. I wouldn't have looked at me either though…She put everything I gave her on the counter then turned to face me." More silent tears fall from his eyes as he continues.

"I asked her to stay; I didn't want her to leave. But she said she had to go, that she couldn't stay. I completely understood; I just wish I could have changed it. I wish I wouldn't have lost control; she would still be here if I hadn't. I watched her walk out, I just stood there.

When she got in the elevator and my legs gave out. I knew she was really going to leave me. I don't know how long I sat there after the doors closed. I just looked at them, not moving. Hoping that she would come back, but she never did.

I got lost in my thoughts. I realized everything that was wrong with my life after that. I've found so many things that I need to fix, Flynn. I realized I couldn't let my past define me anymore. I need to let it go; get rid of my fucked-up-ness. I found a ton of ways, to make me a better person. All I needed was her walking out on me, to realize it.

I need your help though, there are things I can't do alone. I want to do anything it takes to earn Anastasia back and I have to start by fixing myself if that's ever going to happen. So, I'm ready to listen now and I'll do whatever it takes to get better. So, give me your SFBT shit or tell me how to control my anger. Anything Flynn, I'm begging you to help me." Christian says through tears, pleadingly.

Flynn is shocked to say the least. He never thought that Christian would be saying this. He has always been adamant that he was fine. Although, Flynn knew better; he knew that there was more to Christian than he let off on. He had seen Christian get this way many times but there wasn't much he could do about it. He couldn't force treatment on him; he was never a danger to anyone; until now.

While Christian continues looking at the floor still silently crying; Flynn gives Grace a nod. Grace leaves the room after caressing the side of her son's face and kissing the top of his head. She wanted to make sure that he knew she still loved him no matter how stupid his actions were. Christian watched his mom leave the room, knowing she was going to see what damage he did. He almost cried again at the thought, but no more tears would come.

Flynn watches as Christian sits, with his head in his hands; staring at the floor. He sighs, realizing that he isn't going to give anymore away. "What else did you figure out about yourself, Christian?" he asks, knowing there had to be things he didn't share in front of Grace. He needs to know how far Christian has come along by himself; before he can do anything on his part.

Christian proceeds to tell Flynn everything uncovered about his life. About, how abhorrent he now finds his lifestyle. About, how he has let Elena control a major part of his life. About, how he let his past affect the way he treats people in his present. And, everything he now feels for Ana.

After his admission, Flynn finally decides to speak. He looks at Christian who is watching at him expectantly. "I think we can work out any concerns you had with SFBT. I also think that there was an underlying issue that caused this episode, Christian. I want to prescribe you some medications that I think may help." Flynn says, and Christian sighs "I just want to be better, Flynn."

"Okay, I want to start you on a dose of Lamictal. The starter pack will go up to 5 weeks until you reach 100 mg. We'll see how you're feeling and if the dose needs to be changed after that. It should help to prevent another episode like this. The elevated feelings of sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger, isolation, or hopelessness; should diminish. The self-loathing should decrease along with the irritability. It should help with your sleep, I recommend taking it in the evening; it may cause drowsiness. I you have any worsening feelings, you need to let me know; right away. I think this along with SFBT will work well for you, Christian."

Christian looks at the man who has been trying to help for years. He's never listened to him, until now. He knows that this may be the only way to get better. If this is the only way to do that, then so be it. "Okay" Christian says, more like himself. He's going to do this to get better, to get Ana back.

"Okay Christian, you should have Taylor pick this up for you; so you can take the first dose tonight. You should get some rest and eat something too. Set an appointment up within the next couple of days. The medication won't be showing any effect but we need to go over some of the things you talked about." With that, Flynn leaves Christian's penthouse; having to make one more stop.

Grace knocks on the door, hoping that Ana will answer. Grace knows that after what happened, Ana probably won't open the door. She sighs and knocks again, she needs to do this. She wants to let Ana know about Christian's realization so she will at least speak to him again. Christian loves her and she hopes that after everything that happened, Ana can find it in her heart to love him. She's still furious with Christian for what he did. But after he explained it, she knows her boy wouldn't think about doing it again.

Ana sits on the couch in the empty condo wonder what she is going to do with her life now. She thought she would be able to change Christian. Make him see that he could be loved but she was wrong. He hit her… hard. The only thing she has done since those early hours were sleep and cry. She looked in the mirror once but she had to look away at her reflection. It just made her cry some more. So, this was her plan for the rest of well, right now it felt like it was all she ever wanted to do. Just cry on the couch and pity in the thing that is called her life.

In a way, her past had caught up to her. They say history is bound to repeat itself, I guess you never realize how true that is until you can relate to it. She could relate perfectly, she was hit once and now she was hit again. Sure they were different situations and one lasted longer than the other. But it felt worse her second time around. She loved Christian but he brought up old ghosts that had been hidden for so long, until now.

She hears a knock on the door that pulls her out of her reverie. She sighs, hoping that whoever it is, they will just go away. She doesn't want to see anyone, it's not like she could anyway. She stares at the door and just as she thinks that they went away, there is another knock. She sighs and get up off the couch, heading towards the door. She looks through the peephole and is shocked to see Grace standing outside the door. What is Christian's mother doing here? She thinks to herself and hesitantly opens the door, she must already know if she is here.

Grace is about to knock again when the door slowly creeps open.

* * *

**A/N ****_So, I wanted to explain why I did what I did. Um, okay so… In Fifty Shades Darker, Ana thought Christian had multiple personality disorder. I don't really remember what she used to explain it though. I think it was his mood swings and how his mood changed so fast. So, I just wanted to play on that a little bit. _**

**_I gave him a lower form of bipolar disorder seeing as; full blown bipolar includes mania which he doesn't have. And I put him on Lamictal which is a mood stabilizer. But I wanted to put a reason behind what he did. He let his mood swing get the better of him, because he believed he couldn't be loved. _**

**_Anyway, that's just how I wanted my story to go. So, let me know what you guys think._**


	4. Ana's Past

**_A/N Okay, I just wanted to say some things before I start the chapter. I wanted to thank everyone for the great reviews. They really are amazing; I don't even know what to say. If you've read my profile you would know, I don't consider myself a writer. I'm just happy to see that the stories I'm writing are at least keeping some people entertained. _**

**_I just wanted to touch a little on some of your guy's reviews; they made me want to get this out today. I'm amazed by the positive reviews I get on some of these stories. Sorry if I don't mention anyone, I really do appreciate you all of you that take the time to R&R. Hell, if you're even following one of my stories; your pretty damn awesome in my book._**

**_Mynameissioux, I never thought I would hear a review like that. I mean, I didn't think it was that in depth. I knew Christian's thinking would be a little deep; but I just sorta went with what I thought he went through after Ana left in the real series. Only, he discovered more this time; because he hurt her more. Anyway, it made sense in my mind to have him discover more._**

**_draegon-fire, I think a lot of people wanted more about Ana's past; in the series. I've read some stories, where people come up with their own version of it. I really like reading where other's imaginations brought them with the Stephen thing._**

**_As for everyone else, I really love you're reviews. I loved seeing you guys guess as to what was happening. Although I do enjoy a never ending story, we will get to the HEA… eventually._**

**_Now, let's get on with the story; and hear about Ana's past. Hope you guys like it, let me know what you think. Thanks everyone :)_**

* * *

**_"For a long time I was scared I'd find out I was like my mother." - Marilyn Monroe_**

Chapter 4 – Ana's Past

APOV

As I open the door, I start to get a little panicked. Surely, by now; there's a bruise on my face. I don't want to tell her that Christian hit me. I'm not saying I forgive him or anything, but this is his mother. She tried to save him from his dark past, but it just wasn't enough. I guess you really can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed. I tried, and look where it got me. Hell, everyone has a past, but you don't let it run your whole life. You grow up and get the hell over it. No, it's not easy and it takes time; you may even never be completely healed. I know I'm not completely healed, but I just had a trigger, a relapse of sorts. I don't let my past affect how I live the rest of my life. Sure, I still have my issues; I just don't take them out on other people.

Grace gasps when she sees me and I fidget a bit under her gaze. I didn't really look in the mirror, but I know it must look bad. He hit me pretty hard and I'm amazed I didn't fall over. I know I probably look horrible. Not only did he hit me, but I've been crying since I left. I told him that I loved him and he hit me. I really thought that after Georgia, he changed.

In a haze, I let Grace inside and she leads me to the couch. I don't say anything, I don't think  
I can. What do you say in a situation like this? "Do you have an ice pack?" she asks and I nod, pointing towards the kitchen. She comes back and hands me the ice pack wrapped in a towel "Put this on your eye, it will help." I nod and gently place it where he hit me. It stings a little, but I still don't feel much pain. The emotional pain hurts worse than the physical pain.

She digs in her purse and pulls out two Tylenol, handing them to me. "Here, take these" she says, and hands me an unseen bottle of water from the table. "Thanks" I say after swallowing the medicine that does nothing for my heart. She sighs and says

"I'm sorry"

"It's not your fault." I mumble

I glance up at her, and she has a sad expression on her face. I sit back and the couch and decide to wait for her to say something. I have no idea what to say right now. I can't speak and I can only see with one of my eyes, considering the other is covered. "I'm not going to try and make an excuse for my son, to you. I'm sure it won't do anything, anyway. You should know that he was a mess when I went to him though." Wow, now I really don't know what to say. I know that Christian is her son, but I don't think I could ever go back. After everything he did to me? How could I?

I find myself starting to sob and I can barely choke out the next few words that come out of my mouth. "I can't. I just can't, Grace. And it hurts. It's hurts, so much." With that, Grace wraps me in her arms and I sob in her arms; while she just holds me. I feel so much comfort in her, and I start to sob harder. "Ana, just breathe. In and out, breathe with me." She says when I start hyperventilating. I try to stop it, but I can't. I just keep getting short lungfuls of air, making it hard to try and breathe at all. "Ana" she says and pulls me up to look at her "Breathe, watch. Look at me, in and out." She says again in a soft but stern tone. I try and follow her breathing, but it doesn't come easily. Once I finally calm, there are still silent tears running down my face.

"I'm just like her." I mumble into her shirt while she continues to hold me once again. "Just like who honey?" she asks softly and I mumble again "My mother". Grace is stroking my hair while she holds me, and I feel so secure right now. I have to control myself from breaking out into hysterics again. "What happened, honey?" she asks, but not in a prying way; she actually cares.

She shifts us, so we are sitting on the couch next to each other and my head is in the crook of her arm. Her left hand reaching around me to stroke my hair and her right wrapped around me. It's sort of a half hug thing, but it make it seems like so much more. "She had an abusive husband…when we lived in Vegas…he was really nice at first. But a couple months into the marriage and things started to change." I say quietly, not needing to talk very loudly. The tears have almost vanished and I feel relaxed just sitting here.

"He hit you?" she asks in that same tone as before. "Twice, but he was mostly verbally abusive with me. She stayed with him anyway; she said she was in love with and that he would change. But, he didn't stop and she still stayed. The second time he hit me, I went to live with Ray. I didn't want to leave my mom with him. I just couldn't stay, he was slowly breaking me. Everything he said, well it still sticks with me today. I guess, he really did break me."

Once I'm finished, she sighs "I'm sorry sweetie; nobody should have to go through something like that." I let out a small chuckle, thinking about recent events "I never thought that he would hit me Grace…." I say and she sighs "I know, dear. I don't think he meant to, he loves you. He just doesn't know how to show it. And as horrible as that sounds… he's trying now. When I left him, he was with Flynn." I don't say anything, I don't need to. It's all been said and nothing can be changed; he hit me. It's going to take forever for me to get over this. I don't even know how to forgive him. I gave him my everything and he threw it away.

I don't know how long we sit there, but I eventually fall asleep. I awake when I hear a knock on the door and, Grace shifting next to me. "You stay there and put the ice pack back on. I'll get it." "Thanks" I mumbled groggily, I obviously wasn't asleep that long. I just put the icepack on my face when an unfamiliar man steps in. They obviously know each other, I on the other hand have no clue. They are talking softly, and I can't hear what they're saying. I watch them talk, until they turn to me and Grace leads him over to the couch. He proffers his hand for me to shake, and I take it; not moving from my place. "I'm Dr. Flynn." He says giving off a British accent. "Umm, I'm Ana." I sound unsure of myself; I don't really know what to say right now. Who is this guy?

He sits down on the chair adjacent to the couch and I suddenly wonder if he is a colleague of Grace. "My face is fine." I say a bit harsher than I mean to, I'm really not in the mood for company right now. No, my face not be fine; I still have this pesky ice pack on it. I just want to be left alone now; I'm done talking about today. "Is it?" he asks, quirking an eyebrow… is he being a smartass? I'm really not in the mood for this, I glare at him "As well as to be expected." His face softens at this remark and he relaxes in the chair. "Would you like to file a police report?" he asks, and I glance skeptically back and forth from him and Grace. Is that what this is about?

"No" I say simply, I'm not going to ruin the man's life. I just want to forget about it and move past this. Why would I want to bring police into this? I loved him, as crazy and stupid as that sounds. Yes, he hit me; but I'm not running back to him or anything. A lot would have to change if that ever happened. "May I ask, why not?" he says, and he sounds like a shrink. Now the name hits me, he's Christian's charlatan. "Is there a reason I should?" I ask, clearly avoiding the question. I don't want him inside my head, he's not my shrink. Shouldn't he be trying to help '_Mr. I Can't Be Loved'_?

"Well, that's up to you. I can't have any influence on your decision."

"No, I don't want to file a report. And I would rather not talk about it. I would like to go to bed and forget this whole this ever happened. But, thank you for asking."

"Alright, Miss. Steele; if you would like to talk in the future, here's my card." He says, and stands handing me a business card, which I take with my free hand. He says his goodbyes to Grace and leaves. With that, it just leaves me and Grace; alone again. She looks somewhat sad yet and tired. I suddenly feel bad that I have kept her here for so long. "Grace, you should go home and get some sleep. You look tired, I'll be fine here alone; I promise" I say and she gives a sad laugh "I suppose you're right. But, I want you to keep that ice pack on your face and let it heal. Take some Tylenol for the pain. And call me anytime, for anything. Alright?"

With that, we say our goodbye and I'm left in my apartment; alone, just like before. God, I've never needed someone here with me like this. But, it would have been selfish to ask Grace to stay and it's not like I can ask Kate to come home. I sigh and curl up on the couch with a discarded throw. I wrap myself with the blanket and bring my knees to my chest. I'm wrapped like a baby and I still feel no comfort. A tear falls down my eye and I shut them quickly. I try to think of nothing and fall asleep, but it doesn't work. Gray eyes keep reappearing and memories keep flashing. Tears fall from my eyes and I fall asleep, just like that. I dream of those gray eyes that won't leave my mind, no matter how hard I try.

* * *

**A/N Thanks guys, for all the PM's and reviews. I want to update at least one of my other stories before I add another chapter. It shouldn't take long , but I've been neglecting a few. So, I'm going to get to work now. I don't want to keep ya'll waiting. Anyway, let me know what you guys think.**


	5. All Alone

**_A/N I created a Pinterest Page that will follow this story. I put a couple pictures on it for this chapter. I'll probably end up using it more later on, but this should suffice for now. Er, the link is on my profile; but I thought I would put it here too. Enjoy._**

**_P.S. The release date for FSOG had been revealed. It's Friday, Aug. 1, 2014 in North America, with worldwide dates still to be announced. I thought I would spread the news to anyone who didn't know._**

**_Pinterest dot com /MidnightSteele/a-few-shades-darker/_**

* * *

_**"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone." - Orson Welles**_

Chapter 5 – All Alone

CPOV

Once my mom leaves, I find myself in this ivory tower; alone. It suddenly feels so empty in here… I don't like it. This isn't the feeling you're supposed to get from a home. It's definitely not the feeling I get from being at my parents' house. It feels… cold, and impersonal. I think about all the things that have been done here, and I suddenly want out. I don't want to be here…

I go to my room, it has good memories there. Memories of my Ana, they are some of the best memories in my life. Except for Grace saving me, Ana is the best thing that has ever happened to me. But now she really just is a memory, I fucked it up. I knew I would, it was just a matter of time. I'm no good for her; I'm fifty shades of fucked up. I shouldn't have pursued her, but I could stay away. I guess; I finally know why I couldn't stay away.

She was the light, and my second savior. I should have done everything differently, if I could go back; I would. I would do so many things different, I would be the guy; the guy she deserves. I wouldn't have fucked it all up, because I would have known… what I had to lose. I lost my everything.

I want to fix it; I'm going to fix it. I need her back, without her… I'm nothing. All of the money and everything it comes with, it means nothing. I would give it all up just to have her back. Even if it was for a second, it would be worth it. Just to see her face again; her eyes, her blush, and that giggle. God, I love that sound; it's the best sound in the world. It resounds in my head, making me miss her more.

I can't even begin to think about her eyes. The ones that are filled with innocence, and make it seem like she can see into your soul. Although, I guess she really does have an effect on your soul. She changed me, that's for sure. They were blue… I can't even find the words to describe them. They really are the second most beautiful sight in the world, she being the first.

Once I'm in my room, I feel her everywhere. How is that even possible? The memories of her, they all lie here. I make my way over to the bed in a daze. I pick up a hand written note, and it makes me want to cry all over again. Happier times…

I open the box that comes along with the note, and what I find shocks me. A glider, it's so thoughtful and has so much meaning. Georgia, one of the happiest times we had together.

But the gift, it really does mean a lot to me. It's such a simple gift, with so much meaning. Something that is anything but impersonal, at least to me. I don't receive many gifts, and nothing this personal. Sure, monogramed gifts are given to me by my family. But, they don't really know what to get me. What do you get the man that has everything? Well, not anymore; in my mind, I've lost it all.

I sit on my bed Indian style, and start to put the glider together. I love this, I love seeing how things are put together, and how they work. I feel like I sit there for hours, just putting this thing together. I don't even realize what time it is, until Mrs. Jones comes in with a tray that has food on it.

"I thought you might be hungry" she says and I suddenly feel just how hungry I am. I haven't eaten anything for… well, I don't remember.

"Thank you, Mrs. Jones." I say, and she smiles; setting the tray down on the bed. I probably don't thank her enough… something I need to work on. I can't be such a dick to people, it's not right. They don't deserve it, well unless they do something to deserve it. Until then, I can't be such a shit.

"Um, Mr. Grey… Taylor asked me to give you these to you." She says, a bit apprehensively. She's handing me an unnoticed, small orange bottle. Oh…right. I remember Flynn say something about taking these later in the day. They're supposed to make you drowsy. But they are going to help me get better, so I don't care. I'm going to anything to be better. It might help give me a chance to win Ana back. If I'm better, I won't do it again. I won't hurt her, not like I've done before. I could never do that again, I don't even remember doing it.

Flynn says; it had to do with the bipolar. But it doesn't make it any better. It doesn't help me any, but maybe this will help. I won't do it again, not if I have this help. I'm going to have intense sessions with the good doctor, and this medication. I didn't want to resort to meds, but I will do anything to get Ana back.

"Thank you, Mrs. Jones" I say again, and take the bottle from her hand. She makes her retreat, and I am left alone once again. I sit, staring at the bottle in my hand.

**CHRISTIAN GREY**

**1920 4th Ave Seattle, WA 98101**

**LAMOTRIGINE 100MG TABLETS**

**TAKE 1 TABLET BY MOUTH DAILY**

**J. Flynn, MD**

**May Cause Drowsiness. Taking This Medicine Alone Or With Alcohol May Lessen Your Ability To Drive Or Perform Hazardous Tasks.**

I sigh, and I take a dose of the very medicine, that is supposed to change me. I eat everything on the tray, although I taste nothing. I guess; nothing seems right without Anastasia. I set the tray to the side, and I continue working on the glider. It's been a real pain in the ass, but it's almost done. Although, I have gotten more amazed with it every second, and as frustrating as it is; it's going to look great when it's done.

The Fuselage and Wings; have great details. A SOLO Engine that's detachable. The propeller and wheels rotate. The Cockpit Canopy can move, and it has a fully detailed Cockpit. All of the controls move, and the panel is detailed with Levers and Microphone Unit. Even the seats on this thing have imitation harnesses. This this is so detailed, yet so tiny at the same time.

I think I'm just distracting myself from everything; memories and feelings or what not. I don't want to deal with it, at least not now. Tomorrow, maybe tomorrow things won't seem so bad. Maybe, it will be easier… although I know it's just wishful thinking. Things won't get any better in the morning. In fact, it might even be worse. I don't even want to think about the torture I'm going to suffer.

I can't see Ana, not until I start getting better. I have to have proof; I'm going to show her how much I've changed. I can tell her about Flynn; and all of the things that I've realized were wrong with my life. It was just about everything, but I'm changing them. I already have a plan set in my head; I just need to put in motion. I'm going to start tomorrow. This new life of mine will begin to tomorrow. Although, it won't truly begin until I get Ana back. This is a start, the start of changing, and the start to a better life.

I think I've always taken the path of least resistance, when it came to dealing with this stuff. It's time that I step up, and I move forward. It's not going to be easy, I know that. I have all these plans to get better, but I'm forgetting one key factor.

I can't do this without Ana, none of it matters without Ana. Sure, I could do this for myself. But what good would it do? If I have no one to share my life with, why change at all? If I don't have Ana, it all means nothing. Absoulty. Fucking. Nothing.

Just as I finish the glider, I realize this. I need a plan to get Ana back. It's the only plan I haven't formed. I need to do something, I can't let her go. This is all for her, everything I do from this moment on. It's for her, and I would do anything for her. So, I guess that's what I'm doing.

I guess, the inevitable question is going to haunt me; for who knows how long. No nightmare of the crack whore or the pimp. The only thing that haunts me is this one thing.

How do I get Ana back?

* * *

**_A/N So, I think I looked at "Once my mom leaves, I find myself in this ivory tower; alone." Like a hundred times. I kept opening Word, and I looked at that sentence, I thought about it, and then closed word. I did that a bunch of times, and then late last night; geniusness struck. Just kidding, no, but seriously I really did do that. I don't know about geniusness, but I hope this is worth the wait…_**

**_Um, I lied a bit in here; I doubt anyone noticed. But, when you start Lamictal; you are given a starter pack. It gradually takes you up to 100mg, and then your doctor may adjust it from there. I kinda just thought it was a little more…symbolic, I guess. I hope that makes sense. Considering his mother's use of drugs… I just thought it was…I don't know. Ugh, I hope you guys get what I'm trying to say here, and I hope it makes sense._**

**_So, thank you guys for all the PM's, reviews, and what not. I'm glad you guys are enjoying the story. Don't forget to take a look at the Pinterest Page. So… err… let me know what you think._**

**_A/N I created a Pinterest Page that will follow this story. I put a couple pictures on it for this chapter. I'll probably end up using it more later on, but this should suffice for now. Er, the link is on my profile; but I thought I would put it here too. Enjoy._**

**_P.S. The release date for FSOG had been revealed. It's Friday, Aug. 1, 2014 in North America, with worldwide dates still to be announced. I thought I would spread the news to anyone who didn't know._**

**_Pinterest dot com /MidnightSteele/a-few-shades-darker/_**


	6. Plans & Such Part 1

**"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul." – Judy Garland**

Chapter 6 – Plans & Such Part 1

CPOV

I glance over at the alarm clock and see it's 8 in the morning. I barely got any sleep at all; I kept thinking about what I did. I really fucked up, and now it's time for me to fix it. I quickly get out of bed, take a shower and get dressed. I head into my office, and put my plan in action.

I decide that I should take care of my 2nd biggest problem… Elena. I need to cut off all personal and business ties. I call Taylor into my office, and his usual expressionless façade; has changed. I see a hint of anger, and I know exactly why. Fuck, this is always going to be hanging over my head. I inwardly sigh, and proceed to tell him what I need him to do. I want all security codes changed, and I want to make sure she can't come near GEH or Escala.

I'm getting rid of her; I don't want her in my office or my home. After Taylor leaves, to go handle that part of the Elena situation; I continue my part. I think I saw a hint of a smile when I told him I wanted nothing to do with Mrs. Lincoln. I guess no one really liked her. Fuck, I really was blind to that bitch; wasn't I? How did I not realize this? Whatever, I'm not dwelling on the past anymore. I'm moving on, well; I'm trying to. I need to take a few more steps before I can put all of this behind me.

Plus, when I finish everything I have planned; I have no idea what Flynn has in store. I know he wants to do SFBT, but knowing Flynn; there's going to be more. I have to admit, I'm thankful for Flynn at this point. I don't think I would be able to do this without him. He understands me, after working with me for all these years. So, I think he's happy; I'm finally accepting help. I know, I want to get everything worked out sooner; rather than later. But, I guess it's going to take time. And, as much as I hate waiting; I know I have to. After everything I did, some things just take time to fix.

It's not going to be easy, and it's going to take a lot of work; but I'm ready. I'm closing a door on the past, and this is a great start. I decide to start on the next step, of the 'Eliminate Elena' project. Yes, I decided it needed a name; this is quite the operation. If I don't have everything set up perfectly, it could crumble. I have a feeling she isn't going to take this so well. I need to be ready for all the hell that this is going to bring me.

I need to make a couple of calls to GEH, before I'm through; I decide to start with my lawyer. I tell him to gift the salons to Mrs. Lincoln, and that I want nothing more to do with them. After I finish talking to him, I make a call to Ross and Andrea. I tell them both I won't be coming in for week, and for them to handle everything; if there's an emergency they can call me. I can't help but notice the shock they have when I tell them I won't be in for a week. I don't think I've ever taken that much time off.

But, I need a break right now; I need to clear my head. I should be back in a week, if not; I'll take more time for myself. It's my company; I could really care less if I lose a million right now. I'm going to clear my head, and then get Ana back. It's the only care I have in the world right now, healing; and getting the love of my life back. I just don't know what to do about that yet. I know she isn't going to take me back with open arms. But, how do I even get her to talk to me?

I decide to make one last text, before going to see Flynn. I need to talk to him yet, because once I know I can handle my emotions; I want to see Ana. But, I can't see her knowing that I could hurt her again. I don't trust myself, and I don't want to put Ana in harm's way. I just have to wait to see her, until I get all my shit together.

**APOV**

I haven't even looked in the mirror today; I know what I'm going to see. I've been crying again, and I don't even know if the black eye went away. It feels better after putting the ice pack on it, but the pain was tolerable. I would rather deal with that pain, this hurts so much more. I feel like I've been swallowed whole, by so many emotions. It's become an unbearable pain, and I don't know how much longer I'm going to last. I feel like there's no way out, it feels never ending.

The pain goes back to my teenage years, and continues up to the past few days. Stephen was cruel, and I hated him every day for the pain he caused me. He would hit me, or call me horrible things. He broke my confidence, and I thought I was gaining it back. Christian made me feel loved, and I thought me cared. But the words that Stephen said, all those years ago; come back to haunt me. He said I was ugly, fat, and no one could ever love me. I started to believe him, and it tore me apart.

When I met Christian, I felt like I was never good enough; like I couldn't compare. He has woman practically beg at his feet, yet he wanted me. It made me think like I wasn't giving myself enough credit. I thought that maybe, just maybe, there was something special about me. I mean, it's not everyday a god like Christian Grey wants you. He could have any woman he wanted, and he chose to be with me. I guess… that part, makes it even harder…

Here's this perfect man, and he comes after you. So do you run in the other direction? Or do you let him into your life? Well, I guess that a rhetorical question. I already know what I did, and it was stupid. I was stupid to think, he could love me. I was stupid to think, I was special. I was stupid to think, it would ever last. I was living in this delusional fantasy, where I got the happily ever after. I'm not the kind of girl who gets, the happily ever after.

Stephen was right… about it all. That sick twisted bastard was right about everything. I'm worthless, who would ever love; little Anastasia Rose Steele. _You thought he could love you._ And, I was so wrong about that. He wanted a submissive, someone he could fuck with no strings attached. A contract, and nothing else; just someone he could beat. _He told you he didn't do the hearts and flowers. You thought that you could change him._

Fuck, I really was stupid all along. I got myself into this mess, I did this to myself. He told me, he warned me, and I just didn't listen. I could have run in the other direction, but I stayed. Why was I so stupid? I knew it wouldn't end well, and I did it anyway.

I thought; I could fix a broken soul. I wanted to be, fucking wonder woman. And look where it got me. I'm the one who ended up with a broken soul. I feel as if I'm broken beyond repair. After everything that's happened, I don't see how I can come back from this. It was hard enough the first time, and now the pain has doubled.

I'm not that little girl anymore, I feel in love. And, as stupid as I may have been; it happened. You really don't get to choose who you fall in love with. I learned that the hard way, I guess. As much as I love Christian, it would be so much easier if I didn't. I would be sitting here crying my eyes out. I would have been content, like I was before Christian. But, even that wasn't enough.

Being with Christian, it was more than being content. I was so fucking happy, just being around him. He lit up my world, and put the biggest smile of my face. I felt it the first time I met him, the static. There was that shock that went through us when we first touched. I may have been intimidated by him, but I soon learned to stand my ground. And, soon, there was nothing but love for him.

Every kiss, every touch, I fell even more in love; if that's even possible. He had my whole heart, he still does. And, as much as I hate that I love him, and as much as I hate him for what he did; and how he made me feel by the end of it, and even though he hurt me. I will never get my heart back, and I don't want it back. I will never love anybody as much as I love Christian, even if that means a lifetime alone; I'll suffer. I don't think anybody could compare, to the way he made me feel.

Even, though he brought up all my demons; and hurt me like no other could. I only think it hurts this bad because of how I feel for him. When Stephen hit me, it didn't hurt this much. That was just physical pain, maybe even some emotional. But, Christian…. well, Christian took my heart with him. He had all the love I had to give, and now I'm left with nothing.

So, here I am… I'm left with nothing. And, there's not even anything I can do about it. As much as I want everything back, Christian back; I don't think I can. This pain is too unbearable, and I don't think I could go through it again. He's the only person who could hurt me like this. And I don't know what I would do if it happened again. But, how do I keep living like this? I feel like I'm half a person. So, what's worse? Living as half a person? Or living with the chance of being broken… again.

My phone goes off, pulling me out of my thoughts; and I instantly curse myself for turning it back on; last night. I don't even want to talk to anyone; I should have just left it. But, I didn't want Christian getting my messages. Luckily, I haven't had anyone call me; yet. Only text messages, thank god; I don't think I could handle being on the phone with anyone. I know that if I were to hear Kate's voice; I would break. Plus, I'm not the best liar; and someone would catch on pretty quick.

I open the text, before seeing who it is; and I want to cry at the sight of it.

_I hope you can forgive me. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am. I know it's going to take time for you to forgive me, but I'll wait. I'd wait forever for you, Anastasia. – Christian_

* * *

**_A/N Alright, I hope I didn't ramble too much. Hope y'all liked Ana's inner turmoil. Hope I didn't get to OOC. But, she's broken here; and we didn't get much of this is the book. It skipped over all her heartbreak, and I wanted to touch base on it; a bit. Although, some of it changes in here; considering the different situation. _**

**_So, I hope you guys enjoyed it. Sorry for the wait, I've been trying to think about where to go with this. I'm still working on it, but I should get there soon… I hope. Anyway, let me know what you guys think._**

**_Pinterest dot com /MidnightSteele/a-few-shades-darker/_**


	7. Plans & Such Part 2

**_A/N So, I had some questions in the last chapter I wanted to clear up. Someone asked when this took place. It's basically an alternate ending to the first FSOG, instead of taking her to the playroom; he hits her. So, nothing in book 2 has happened; this is kind of my own version of book 2._**

**_Um, someone commented on grammatical errors; and I wanted to apologize. I don't read over my work, so a lot just kind of slips past me. I'll try to watch out for things like that more, sorry if it caused a problem in your reading._**

**_Someone asked if there is cheating in here. Um, as far as any of my stories go; I don't think I could write a cheating one. I had an idea for a crossover with Ana and Gideon, but that would be for a whole new story. I don't think I could write a cheating story though, I barely read FSOG cheating stories. I just don't really get into them, there has only been one to keep my attention. Strong Steele by ellabankss, and even in that one it's placed after he already cheats. You should definitely check it out, I hate cheating stories, yet somehow I'm addicted to that one. I don't know why, but it's a damn good story._**

**_I've had lot of comments on Ana's inner turmoil. I'm happy that ya'll like it so much. I always feel like I'm rambling, so, yeah. I try to stick with the characters as much as possible, but I'm also trying to hit a little deep with this story. I'm just kind of dug into the book and found my own story. It talked about Ana and Stephen, it talked about Christian and MPD (multiple personality disorder). So, I just put my own spin on those things; and went with it._**

**Someone asked if we will be hearing more about Stephen. I think that's kind of inevitable. I feel like she needs to share that with someone. I also think Christian needs to know…he did bring up those feelings. So, I don't know when I'll get there; but it's bound to happen soon.**

**Someone said I made Christian self-absorbed… I didn't even realize I did that. But, I guess I kind of see it now. And, if I think back to the book there was probably a lot of it there to. So, I'm glad that, that worked without even trying to do it.**

**Some of you guys talked about the hit. Where do I begin with this? I have to thank Hard Pouncing for comparing it to him running a puppy over with his car. That comment made my day, so thanks for that. Someone else also mentioned how hard he hit her. I don't really know what to say about the hit in general. Obviously this is fiction, so whatever happens with their relationship is something I probably would do in real life. I would agree that you shouldn't stay in an abusive relationship. Um, however I'm writing about Christian and Ana, two fictional characters; so I don't really feel the same. They will get their HEA and it will be together.**

**I think that just about covered everything, although if there's something else just ask it. Um, so I hope you all enjoy this. Thanks everyone for the R&R, I love it that you all take the time. So, er, let me know what you think.**

* * *

**"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." - Lao Tzu**

Plans & Such Part 2

CPOV

After my text message to Ana, I decide to make a few more changes yet today. I need to get rid of the playroom. I don't want that anymore. After everything that has happened, I find it abhorrent. It didn't even help anything, it just added to my fucked-up-ness. I sigh, and call Taylor back into my office; there nothing I can do about that now. I can only fix what I can, I can't fix the past. I don't have control over it anymore; I can't have control over shit like that. I think I've finally realized all that I really can control.

I have my company; I can control what happens there. No, I might not be able to decide if a tornado blows a building over, but I can fix it if it happens. I can try to fix things, and even then I can't fix everything. I can control things, and even then I can't control everything. I think I should remember this… it might me do some good.

When Taylor gets into my office I check to make sure he's dealt with his side of cutting Elena off, and when I find it's been confirmed I decide to take my next course of action. It's now or never Grey, this is going to change you forever. You're going to be normal, something you've always wanted. I just never knew how to get there; little did I know just how easy it was.

Taylor sets up a crew to come here and take down the playroom. Of course, they will have to sign an NDA first. I can't really have Elliot's crew do it either, so Taylor is finding the next best thing. I don't really care what it's turned into, I just want it gone. Okay, I guess that takes care of that. I think the only thing I can do now is talk to Flynn… and wait. Fuck, I hate waiting.

**APOV**

_I hope you can forgive me. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am. I know it's going to take time for you to forgive me, but I'll wait. I'd wait forever for you, Anastasia. – Christian_

I sit, staring at the text message for I don't know how long. What does this even mean? I can't give him what he needs, why would he wait for me to forgive him? He feels sorry for what he did? Then, why did he do it? Why did he hit me and take my heart with him. I'm sitting in this empty condo, broken and alone. There's nobody here… I just feel lost.

I start sobbing, and toss my phone on the coffee table. I can't deal with it right now, everything hurts so much. I curl up on the couch, and wrap the blanket around me. I fall asleep once again with tears in my eyes.

_I'm sitting in the kitchen doing my homework, waiting for mom to get back from the store. I decide to get something to drink to quench my thirst. Who knew math was so exhausting? Just as I'm reaching for a glass, I see something out of the corner of my eye that makes me jump. The glass shatters on the floor and Stephen stands in the entryway. He stalks over to me, and I just watch as his hand whips across my face. I fall to the ground, nearly cutting myself on the glass._

_I hold my now burning face, and look up at Stephen who's scowling at me. "Clean it up you worthless bitch." He says and walks away, leaving me with tears in my eyes and a now reddened check. I sit amongst the glass wondering why my mom would marry such a hateful person. I never did like Stephen, but the days with him just keep getting worse and worse._

_Its dinner and I'm sitting across from Stephen at the table. The phone rings, and mom leaves to answer it. Just as I'm about to take my first bite of lasagna, I hear something that makes my appetite vanish. "You're already fat, and you're going to keep eating? How is anyone going to love you?" His hateful words come back to me, and my fork no longer reaches my mouth. I set it back down on the plate, and move around my food._

_I look down at my body, and see my slim figure, a huge gap between the table and my stomach. The gab suddenly gets smaller and my stomach expands. Just as I feel as I'm about to explode…_

I scream waking up from a nightmare, the one I had almost every night while I was in my teenage years. I'm sweating and panting, remembering all that Stephen put me through. My nightmare may have distorted the ending, but I remember it clearly. Any time I did something wrong, it would be a slap in the face. Any time I went to eat, it would be an unsettling comment about my weight or appearance.

That bastard made my life a living hell from the moment I came to Vegas. I didn't even want to be there, but mom made me go. I was so happy when I got to leave and live with Ray. All the things Stephen made me feel started to drift away slowly but surely. Now, here I am and it's all drifting back to me.

I decide to take a shower, make myself some tea, and change into sweats. I sit back down on the couch with my tea and look at the phone in front of me. Ugh, I don't even know what to do anymore. Do I answer him? Do I ignore him? Why did he send it? What does what? Does he want a relationship?

No, he doesn't do the hearts and flowers. I'm probably just overthinking this. He just texted me to say he was sorry. I guess that's something, isn't it? I mean, he could feel nothing at all. Although, I still don't know why he would bother; he can't even let someone love him because he thinks he's too fucked up. He said he would wait forever for me, what does that mean? Does he want me? _Why would he want you?_

Fuck, I'm letting his words get to me again. They taunt me over and over, telling me I'm never good enough. As much as I don't think I'm good for Christian, I don't think he's good for me either. I mean, look at what we went through. But why do I love him if we aren't meant to be? He was my everything, and now I'm sitting here with nothing. I'm sitting here wondering what the hell this text message means. Why couldn't I just love someone normal?

I guess I should just answer him, and tell him what I have to say. Everything may not fit in a text, but I can't see him right now; I won't allow myself to. And I don't think I could even face calling him.

**CPOV**

It's almost midnight, and the express crew that Taylor had sent over just finished ripping out my previous lifestyle. I look at the now near empty room, the only thing left is fans to dry the white paint. I have people coming Monday with furniture, I told them I didn't care what they put in here. Just make it into a guest bedroom, something I will never have to see again. I don't want the memories that are in this room.

I sigh, and walk out of the plain white room; closing the door behind me. I find myself in my bedroom, on my bed; holding the pillow that smells of Anastasia. She's been gone for what seems like forever, and the pillow she used still has that heavenly sent. I hold the pillow for dear life, wishing it could be Ana. I close my eyes, and try to remember all of our firsts together.

Everything was so new with Ana, why did I bring the past into it? If I hadn't, she would still be here in my arms. But, she left me, and I may never get her back. What am I going to do? How am I going to continue living like this? It's pure darkness without Ana, I don't see myself living without her. I don't care about my company or my money, all I want is my Ana. I would give it all up; just to have her here with me right now.

I'm pulled out of my thoughts by my Blackberry buzzing on the nightstand. I groan, and reach my hand over to grab it. When I look at the screen, I nearly drop it on my face. The pillow leaves my other arm in an instant, and I'm sitting up. I look down at the screen one more time before opening the text.

_I don't know what that means, but I don't think I can accept your apology right now. I can't tell you I forgive you, it would be a lie. I'm hurt, Christian. My heart is breaking, you have no idea how much I'm hurt right now. I told you that I loved you; I only hoped that you would have been able to believe me. I hope you get your shit sorted out, Christian. But even then, I don't know how long it will take me to forgive you for this. – Ana_


	8. Talking To Flynn Part 1

_**"My heart's broken,' he thought. 'If I feel this way my heart must be broken." - Ernest Hemingway**_

Chapter 8 – Talking To Flynn Part 1

CPOV

It's almost noon, and I'm still lying in bed; holding Ana's pillow; or at least the one that smells of her. I don't remember the last time she slept in my bed, but somehow it feels like it was forever ago. I don't know how the pillow still smells of her, but I don't want it to go away. It's the only thing I have of her, besides for the text message; and it breaks my heart every time I read it.

I don't blame her for not being able to forgive me, but it hurts so much to hear it. It makes me wonder if I'll ever get her back. I don't think I could live without her, though. I feel so lost without her. It's almost as if a piece of me is missing, a piece I didn't even know was there. Is that my heart? I never thought I had a heart, before Saturday. But when she left… I felt it. It was if I got it and it was ripped right out of my chest.

In an instant, I became this broken man that lay here now. I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I didn't even want to go into work today. I feel as if I'm in perpetual night, there is no sun where I lie. Only darkness fills these walls, and my heart. I feel as if the light is so close, but I just can't reach it. It's too far away, and I only get a glimpse of it. I want to be in light but I don't see myself there without Ana.

Here I was thinking I didn't have a heart, and here it is… breaking. I let my life get so fucked up that I pushed away the only person I will ever love. It will only ever be Ana, and I screwed that up. How am I ever going to find happiness without Ana? Sure, I have family, but it isn't the same. Yes, I love my family, and I now realize they love me. But, it isn't the love that Ana gives me.

She knew more about me than anyone ever did, and she still loved me. She loved me, even when I never deserved it… she loved me, if even for just a minute. And with her love she showed me the light. I've had that glimpse of light… a glimpse of what I truly want out of life. It isn't my money, or cars, or even my business. Its love, it's the only thing I want anymore. But, not just any love, not the kind of love my sister gives me, or the kind Elliot gives me, or even the love my mom and dad give me. I want Ana's love, the love that made me realize everything.

Her love is so different from anything I've had before. It helped me change from the monster I was becoming. Now, I'm really trying to fix that monster. I'm becoming an actual human being, a person with a heart. Sure, I've showed kindness before, but I don't think I ever showed love. I don't think I've ever told my parents how much I love them. I tried showing Anastasia love, but I eventually fucked that up.

I realize that I should have told my family that I loved them. I should have told them how much they mean to me. And how thankful I am for everything, especially the love they showed me. Grace and Carrick saved me, and I haven't even told them how much that means. I realize now that I should have, I should have said it every single day. My family really does mean the world to me, but I never know how to say that until now. I think they knew that I loved them, but knowing and hearing it are two different things.

I know I love Ana; I love her with all of my heart. In the little time I've known her, she's made me a completely different man. I'm a better man than I ever was before Anastasia came into my life. I may have done a horrible thing, but I'm trying to fix it. I know it's not going to be easy, but I'm trying. I don't know what else to do, I don't know how else to fix it. I'm sorry I hurt her, I really didn't mean to. But I don't l know how else to apologize.

I can't even see her right now, how am I supposed to show her that I've changed? I can't say it in another text message or an email. I have to say it fact to face, and that can't happen right now. But, I need her to know how much I care. She can't move on without me, she just can't. I need her; I can barely breathe without her. She needs to know that I love her, and I didn't mean to hurt her.

I don't know how long I'm lying there, until I hear a knock on the door. I look up and see Flynn standing in the doorway. I don't get up, I don't even move. I just continue to stare at the glider that she gave me, and hold the pillow that smells of her. I feel a shift on the bed, and notice Flynn has sat on the edge of the bed. "I don't think I could move if I wanted to." I say softly, still looking at the glider. "Where did that come from?" Flynn asks, and I see movement out of the corner of my eye. I'm guessing he noticed what I was looking at, and gestured towards the glider. "Ana" I choke out, holding back tears.

It's all I've been doing since she left… cry. I don't think I've ever cried, and here I am crying every minute. "Did she leave that for you?"

"Yes. Happier times…" I choke out again, not trusting my voice. I know I'm going to turn into a blubbering idiot if I keep talking about it. She left me, and reminded me of happier times. Before I hurt her, before I fucked everything up.

"When was that?"

"Georgia" Whenever she was with me... I was always happy when she was with me. I was fooling myself to think otherwise. Being with Ana was the happiest time of my life.

"Why were those happier times?"

"I was trying to be more." I failed. I didn't try hard enough. I fucked everything up.

"Did you want more?"

"Yes, I think I did… now I know I do."

"You thought you did?"

"I didn't want her to leave."

"But she did leave, Christian."

"And now I know everything."

"How you feel about Ana?"

"She's everything all the time. There's no one like her."

"Do you love her?"

"Yes"

"Why did she leave, Christian?"

"Because I'm fucked up"

"No. Why did she leave, Christian?"

"I don't know. Why don't you ask her?" I snap at him, I really don't know what he wants me to say. I already admitted I fucked up. Does he want to rub it in more? I feel like shit, does he want to make me feel worse?

"You need to think about why she left, Christian." He says, and my brow furrows while I continue to look at the glider. I don't get it… she left because I'm fucked up. She left because…

"I hurt her" I say out loud, I'm looking at the glider with a blank expression. I hurt her, and she left. Yes, because I fucked up. Yes, because I let my fucked-up-ness effect her. But overall… I hurt her. "I didn't mean to" I whisper, a silent tear falling my eye.

"I know. But she doesn't know that. She needs time, Christian. You both do."

"I'm afraid." I say, finally speaking my worst fear.

"What are you afraid of, Christian?" I finally look at Flynn, and I decide to just let it all go.

"Everything... What if she moves on? What if she doesn't care anymore, or doesn't want me? What if she doesn't love me… what if she hates me? How do I even talk to her, what if she doesn't want to talk to me? How much time? What if I can't do it, what if I can't change? What if I fuck it up again? I don't know what I would do if she came back and left me a second time. What am I going to do if I lose her? Right now, she's gone… and I'm broken. I'm completely and utterly broken without her." All of the questions that have been in my head… almost everything I'm afraid of.

"She loves you Christian. And, people just don't stop loving someone overnight. It takes time to get over someone you truly love. And even then, some people never get over it all. So, you have time Christian. And, you'll be able to get better in that time. We're working on it, and you're already half way there." He sighs, and I continue looking at him, waiting for the answers. When he continues, I listen intently.

"You're never going to be perfect, Christian… nobody is. But, you're trying to get better. And that's all anyone can do. People make mistakes, they screw up sometimes. Yes, you made a terrible mistake. But, you've taken a step most people haven't in your position. You're getting help, and most people never take that step. Yes, you're going to screw up again. But, with the help you getting, and because your trying. I don't think you will screw up like this again. I think your one of the few people, who can turn away from this.

I've seen many cases of domestic violence, and the abuser rarely stops. Those who don't stop are the ones that don't get help. They simply say they're never going to do it again. But, they don't change, and it ends up happening again. In these situations, the victim usually seeks help when it's too late. They are either to scared or have some reason or another for not leaving earlier. In any case, it's rarely good for those who don't seek help in these situations.

Those who get help, usually end up being the few who never end up in this situation again. They learn to control their emotions, mostly anger, in this case. But, they learn to move past it and it doesn't happen again.

There are some tools we can use to help you control your anger. We can also work on some of the other issues that you still harbor. But, like I've said Christian, this is going to take time. You're not going to get better overnight. These things take time, and it's not something you want to rush; and its better in the long run in you don't.

And if in the end, something does happen where she leaves you again. As much as it may hurt, you can be thankful for the time you had together. Because, as much as anyone tries to evade heartbreak, it is sometimes unavoidable. People die all the time Christian, and when your mother died you felt abandoned.

You may not admit it, but you loved her, you were a child and you loved your mother. It's inevitable, it's why you're so angry with her, it's of the reasons you let the past affect you, and why it's contributing to the feelings you're having right now. You wouldn't have felt the need to beat woman who looked like her, if you weren't angry. You would have felt more deserving of love, had she shown you some. You wouldn't have the past you do, if she would've protected you. And you wouldn't be mixing up the feelings of abandonment that you feel towards her, with Anastasia.

You want to think that Ana abandoned you. When in reality, she was just doing what she had to do to feel safe. She wasn't trying to hurt you, but you hurt her. She didn't abandon you, Christian. She's nothing like your mother; all Ana has ever done was try and show you her love. But, you felt that you could neither give nor receive it.

When you snapped, and after Ana left you, you realized that it wasn't true. I see that you're having issues accepting love, but you're able to love now. You saw that a number of things in your life needed to change. You've given up the lifestyle that you thought you needed. You're breaking away from a woman who has controlled you since you were 15. And, you're finally trying to change.

These are all huge steps for you Christian, and you've taken them all in so little time. But, there are things that still lie underneath your emotions. There's still a lot to work on, and it's going to take longer than two days. It's going to get difficult, but if this is what you truly want, it will all be worth it. I want to help you get to a place, where you no longer let your past affect you."

I stare at Flynn in amazement while he leaves. Never once, did I listen to a thing this man told me. And now that I'm sitting here alone again, I find myself wishing I had. I'm still holding the pillow that smells of Ana, finding comfort in it, and I find myself thinking once again. Although, It's no longer about how broken I feel, even if the feeling is still there; I've found it bypassed.

I'm trying to reflect on what Flynn said, and it takes me back to the beginning. Thoughts about the crack-whore, I try to find an ounce of love, in any memory I have of her. Thoughts about Carrick and Grace, they saved me and brought me into their home. They showed me love with everything they did for me. Thoughts about Mia, she has changed me a lot over the years. She's showed me love with every hug. Thoughts about Elliot, he has always been there for me. He's showed me love with every stupid joke, and he's one of the few people I would call my friend.

Then, the thoughts about Ana come back. And with every memory, I can see how much love she gave me. And I threw it all away because I couldn't see it sooner. I couldn't see that love, and now I can't even show her it. She gave me it, she gave me everything, and I can't even give her that. She's not here for me to be able to do that.

I can't tell her about how her love has changed me. I can't tell her how she brought me into the light. I can't thank her for showing me how to love. I can't thank her for loving me. I can't show her how much she means to me. And, I can' tell her I love her. If I'm broken, because I can't tell her I love her. I can't even imagine how she feels, because she doesn't even know I love her.

* * *

**_A/N I used a quote when CG was talking. I found it fitting, so I wanted to share it. If you want to see the hit, check out the Pinterest page. There are three, because when it heals it's not just going to go away. There's descriptions that go with all three, so you can read those if you want. It was hard to find the right pictures for it, but I think those are it. _****_The link for the page is below, along with the quote I used. So, er, let me know what you guys think._**

**"****_She's everything all the time. There's no one like her." – Ryan Gosling_**

**_Pinterest dot com /MidnightSteele/a-few-shades-darker/_**


	9. Housebound

_**"Some old wounds never truly heal, and bleed again at the slightest word." - George R.R. Martin**_

Chapter 9 – Housebound

APOV

I couldn't even go to work today; I finally looked in the mirror this morning. I knew there was no way I would be able to leave the apartment, not looking like this. There's just no way to explain this kind of bruise. And, I couldn't show up to my first day of work looking like this. My eyes are bloodshot, and the right side of my face is a train wreck. It's black and blue around my eye, and a dark read that trails down the side of my face. It looks worse against my pale skin.

You wouldn't have guessed he just slapped me by the looks of it. And, the way I have been living since it happened hasn't helped much. I feel as if all I do is sleep and cry, I probity only left the couch about a dozen times. I haven't had much energy to do much else, and I can't even leave the house. I feel pathetic, broken, and the pain is too much to bear. Not the pain from my face, but the pain I feel from everything else.

To be honest, I haven't even seen my face until now. I didn't think it was this bad, so I didn't keep the ice pack on it. Looking at it, I wish I had. Now, I'm not even going to be able to start my first job. As much as I didn't want to leave, I did want to go to work. It was supposed to be a good experience for me, and now it's ruined. If I show up looking like this, I'll end up getting fired anyway. And, it's too late in the day to even dwell on the fact that I didn't go.

Truth is… I feel afraid to go out. If Christian did this to me, a man that I love; and if Stephen did this to me, a man that I hate. Who's to say a complete stranger won't do this to me? I know I shouldn't live in fear, but it seems as though it's all I have. Fear of being seen, while looking like this. Fear of being hurt, where it feels like this. Although, I don't think anyone could hurt me more than I am now.

I loved him… I still love him, and he hit me. He brought up all the shit from my past with it. I know I should hate him, never look back, and get on with my life. But, I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm angry, angry that he makes me feel this way. I've never been this conflicted before. My emotions are running around in circles. I want him, but I don't want to be hurt again. I love him, but I want to forget about him. I need him, but I can't be what he needs me to be. I would do anything for him, and he doesn't even love me.

I truly believed he loved me, and everything he did made it seem so real. Every touch, every kiss, and every minute we were together. I felt as if it were finally real, that I found the love of my life. But in a blink of an eye, it all disappeared. I'm sitting here, in this apartment… alone. He doesn't love me, but somehow he still has my heart; and it's all tied up.

There's nothing I can do about it anymore, it's already done. After everything, I think this may be the lowest point in my life. The time I spent in Vegas with Stephen and my mom, may have been a downfall; but now I'm drowning in the deep end. All those old wounds have been ripped open. And, now I don't know what to do anymore.

Something needs to change though; I can't keep living like this. Living in fear isn't going to get me anywhere. And with everything that has happened; I know I need to do something. I take the card of the table, and decide that this is the best thing I can do.

**CPOV**

I reluctantly get out of bed, and decide to do some work in my office. I need a distraction right now, and work will give me that. I don't know how much time passes, before there's a knock on the door. "Come in" I call out, not moving my gaze from the computer screen. I hear a familiar voice clear their throat and my eyes widen in surprise. I slowly turn my head from the computer to see my father standing by the door.

"Father" I say, gesturing towards the chair in front of my desk. I'm not moving, I know exactly what's coming; and I deserve every word of it. He sighs, and takes the seat across from me. He's sitting in that stance, that I've seen so many times as a teenager. "You're mother told me what happened." He says, and his tone isn't as I thought it would be. He sounds defeated, and it makes me feel's worse knowing that this has even affected Carrick and Grace.

"What do you want me to say?" I really don't know what to say, I really am lost right now.

"Why don't you start by telling me the reason, you had the need to hit Anastasia." He says, in the tone I was expecting when he first walked in. He's pissed at me, and I don't blame him.

"I already talked to Flynn about this, dad. He's helping me work on some of my issues, now. And, I'm trying to get better… I'm trying to change. I never meant to hurt Ana, I let my fucked up past get in the way. I was angry, and I don't even know what came over me. But, I'm sorry; and I'm never going to do it again. I already feel like shit, I hurt the woman I love. And now, I'm sitting here trying to do what I should have done in the first place. I'm getting over my past, and I'm trying to get my future back."

"No, Christian. You should have been working on these issues a long time ago. You shouldn't have to wait until you hit a woman. You've had to have known that all your anger was misplaced. It always has been, and as hard as you've tried to hide it everyone has always seen that. You've always been stubborn son, but getting to the point where you finally have to get help is inexcusable. You're lucky she said she didn't want to press charges. Do you know what that would have done to your company?"

"How do you know she didn't want to press charges?"

"Is that all you got out of that! The only thing you heard me say was, Ana didn't want to press charges!" He yells at me, making me jump a bit.

"Of course I heard what you had to say, but I want to know about Anastasia." I sound like a whiny teenager, but if he has information on Ana then I want it.

"You're mother went over there to check on her with Flynn, on Saturday. When Flynn asked if she wanted to press charges, she said no. And your mother said her eye bruise won't be healing for a while." He says and I can tell he's even more pissed off, but he isn't yelling anymore.

"Why didn't she want to press charges?"

"I don't know I wasn't there, I only got what your mother told me. And she didn't tell me much."

"She didn't want to press charges." I say, trying to understand if I'm hearing this correctly.

"That's what I said. And you're damn lucky to. If this were to get to the press, it would be a disaster."

"She should have pressed charges." I mutter under my breath, but my father hears me.

"Do you know what you're saying? Do you know what this would do to you?"

"I don't care, dad! I only care about Anastasia, and I fucked that up! I just want her to be alright! I just want us to be together! I would give it all up for her! If I can't have her, I don't care about any of it!" I yell at him, I'm getting pissed off right now.

"Have it your way, Christian. I am still angry as hell at you for doing something so stupid. But I love you, and you're my son; I want you to be happy. But you do realize it's going to take a lot more than an apology to get this girl back."

"I know. I don't know what I'm going to do, dad." I say, dropping my head into my hands. I really fucked up, and I still don't know how I'm going to fix it. I hear him sigh, but I don't look up.

"Christian… if you really love this girl, you'll find a way. Just, just work on yourself first. I don't want this happening again to Ana, or anyone else for that matter. I just want you to be happy, and I hope you find that, son." I lift my head, and watching my father walk out of the room. I think that's the deepest conversation we've ever had together.

He was right about me being stupid enough not to get help before this happened. But, I was blind before and I just could see it. I wish it wouldn't have had to happen like that, for me to be able to understand that I needed help. But I can't go back now, and I can't keep dwelling on it.

I still don't like what he said about Ana. He doesn't understand that I would give everything up in a heartbeat for her. None of this matters if I can't have her. She's my everything, and all I'll ever need. Without her here right now, I'm broken and alone. I never thought I would hate the feeling of being alone. Until now, and now I know… It's the worst feeling in the world. Although, broken feels so much worse.

**APOV**

After my shower, I put on a pair of black yoga pants and over-sized WSU sweater. Right after I put the kettle on, there's a knock at the door. I take a deep breath, and acknowledge that there's no turning back now. When I open the door, Flynn looks a bit shocked to see my face. No doubt, it looks worse than it did on Saturday.

* * *

**_A/N I had a guest that pointed out Lamictal is used as an Anti-epileptic. And, I just wanted to tell you're right. But, they also use it as a mood stabilizer. I take the medication for depression, whilst my mother takes it for her bipolar. So, I know more about the medication than just in research._**

**_Don't forget to take a look at what Ana's face looks like right now, I have pictures on my Pinterest page. Right now, it's at its worst; and it's going to take a while to heal. So, if you want to see how bad it is, you should take a look at those. Just a warning, they are pretty bad. I mean, CG works out like every day, so he's a pretty strong guy. And, Ana is petite and probably half his size. In retrospect, I probably should have had her fall down on impact._**

**_Anyway, I hope you guys liked the update. I think I'm going to go work on a few others now. I have a link for the Pinterest page below; along with the Facebook page I made for myself. So, you can add me if you want. So, I hope you guys liked it; and let me know what you think._**

**Pinterest dot com /MidnightSteele/a-few-shades-darker/**

**_Facebook dot com /FSOGFanFicLover_**


	10. Talking To Flynn Part 2

**"_Women are made to be loved, not understood." – Oscar Wilde_**

Chapter 10 - Talking To Flynn Part 2

APOV

I sit adjacent to Flynn, and he looks like he wants to say something. It's been quite, and I don't really know where to start. I'm starting to think this is a bad idea. He sighs and is the first one to break the silence.

"I think we should go to the hospital, Ana." My eyes widen a bit. Is that really necessary?

"Is it that bad?" I ask

"I think we should have a doctor take a look at it." There's a long silence, until I decide to listen to Flynn.

"Will you stay with me?" I ask, suddenly not wanting to be alone.

"Yes, it will give us time to talk," he says, standing up. I stand with him and grab my keys, before we head out the door. Flynn makes a phone call before we leave, and he drives us to the hospital. The ride is silent on the way.

When we get there, we are lead to a private room. I sit on the bed, while Flynn sits in the chair nearby. When the door opens and Grace walk in, she gasps when her eyes meet mine. I really wish everyone would stop doing that. Another doctor walks in behind Grace, and I silently question why I need so many doctors. I guess I understand why Grace is here, but I don't really think it's necessary for her to be here. The doctor behind Grace introduces himself and proceeds to examine my bruise.

"Alright, nothing appears to be broken. But I want to take an X-ray, just in case. And I also have a series of questions that I need to ask," he says, typing away at a computer nearby. Flynn is still sitting quietly in the chair next to the bed, and Grace is standing semi-professionally near the other doctor. I can tell she is trying to keep up the doctor face, but is having a hard time doing so.

"Do you feel safe at home?" the doctor asks, looking up from the computer. I realize that I'm going to have to answer his line of questioning. I inwardly groan. This is such a waste of time.

"Yes." Kate is probably the safest person to live with. Well, minus the men that used to come in and out of the apartment. But that hasn't happened since we moved to Seattle. She's been seeing Elliot, and they haven't even been in the apartment all that often.

"Within the last year, have you been hit, slapped, kicked, or otherwise physically hurt by someone?" I pause for a moment. Where is he going with this?

"Yes," I state simply, considering it's quite obvious I've been hit. I can't really lie about it, now can I? Plus, three out of four people in here know exactly what happened.

"Within the past year, has anyone forced you to have sexual activities?"

"No."

"Has your partner ever refused to practice safe sex?"

"No." He may hate condoms, but he definitely doesn't want me getting pregnant.

"Are you afraid of your partner or anyone in your life?" I pause again. Am I afraid of Fifty?'

"Sometimes," I answer truthfully. I am afraid of Christian, sometimes. Only when his mood changes like it does and sometimes when we're in the Red Room.

"Are you here today because of injuries caused by your partner?"

"Yes."

"Are drugs or alcohol involved in your situation?"

"No." Although, I wouldn't mind a drink right now. These questions are starting to get annoying.

"Has your partner ever used or threatened to use a weapon?" Aside from a cane or a whip…

"No."

"Would you like to press charges against the injuries you have today?"

"No." I've already said this. I'm not pressing charges.

"Were you threatened into not pressing charges."

"No." Please, I haven't even seen Christian since I walked out. After a moment of typing, he speaks again.

"Alright, I'm going to go and get the X-ray setup. I'll be back shortly." With that, he leaves the room. Grace looks over to me with watery eyes, before leaving the room. I watch her walk out. I feel bad for what's happened to her. I mean, it can't be easy knowing you son hit someone, his girlfriend, nonetheless.

"Are you going to be alright?" Doctor Flynn asks, looking at me with a worried expression. I shrug. What do you really say to that?

"I guess"

"How are you feeling?" I inwardly roll my eyes… typical shrink.

"Honestly, I'm at my lowest right now. I never thought this would happen," I say truthfully.

"You never thought he would hit you?" he asks, clarifying.

"No, not like this, anyway. I mean, I knew he has his problems, but we all do. I just, I never thought he would be the one to hurt me like this…" I say, trailing off. "I love him…" I say quietly, wishing he felt the same way.

"And he you," Flynn says, making my head snap to him.

"He has a funny way of showing it," I snap back to him.

"I can't say too much about Christian. He is one of my patients. But I will tell you this. Emotionally, Christian is an adolescent, Ana. He bypassed that phase in his life totally. He's channeled all his energies into succeeding in the business world, and he has, beyond all expectations. His emotional world has to play catch- up."

"Where does that leave me?" I ask sadly.

"Where do you want to be?"

"With Christian" I say simply.

"What do you need to get there?"

"More"

"How long are willing to wait for more?" he asks, and it takes me awhile to think about it.

"I don't know…"

"Do you love Christian?"

"Of course…" I trail off. I love Christian with all of my heart. I love him so much it hurts."I just don't know if I can be with him…" I add, saying my thoughts out loud.

"Why not?" Flynn asks.

"Because I want more, and I can't be what he needs." I can't be his submissive. As much as I love him, I can't be something I'm not.

"What do you think he needs?" Isn't it obvious?

"Control. He thinks he needs to control everything."

"What if he didn't want the control?" Flynn asks, as if it's the easiest question in the world.

"Then, I don't know…" It comes out more of a question.

"Why would he even want me?" I ask

"What do you say that?"

"Well, why would anyone love me?"

"Why wouldn't they? You're a very beautiful girl, Anastasia. And you're smart, and kind," Flynn says, saying things that I once heard from Christian.

"It's not what he told me."

"Christian?" he asks, confused.

"No, Stephen."

"Who's Stephen?"

"My mom's third husband."

"He told you no one would love you?" he asks, and I nod slightly. "Ana, that's simply not true." Flynn says, sounding disappointed.

"Why wouldn't it be?" I ask, like it's the most obvious thing in the world that I can't be loved.

"Because Christian loves you." I still don't believe it. But the doctor comes in, halting the conversation. He takes me for an X-ray, and it's probably the most uncomfortable thing in the world. The bruise on my face hurts, and this machine doesn't make it any better. When I get back to the room, Flynn and Grace are already in there. They look to be discussing something, but it comes to a halt when I enter the room. Mmm... I wonder what that was about. The one doctor leaves, to go look at the scans. And now it's just the three of us in the room.

"Ana, there's something we need to discuss," Grace says hesitantly, after I sit back down on the bed.

"What is it?" I ask.

"Christian's here…" she trails off, and I look from Flynn to Grace, who are standing in front of me.

"Why?" I whisper, and it's almost inaudible.

"He wanted to see you," Grace says, teary eyed.

"He turned himself in," Flynn says, and I gasp.

* * *

**_A/N So, I have to thank one of my readers for a lot of the ideas I got for this chapter. And as for Christian, I decided to throw that bit in there; also. Keep in mind, Ana isn't going to just jump into his arms. There is a lot of making up that he has to do. And like I said, it's going to be a bit until they get their HEA._**

**_And, I would also like to thank my BETA; flamingpen18. She's been a huge help, so I just wanted to say thanks for it._**

**_I found most of the questions off a website type thing. I wanted to see what the hospital protical was for something like this. I doubt this is what would happen, but hey, it's what I wanted to happen. So, yeah, I'm sorry if it isn't all right. With the face X-ray, I don't know if it would be uncomfortable, I don't know how they would do that. But I'm assuming a face X-ray wouldn't be the most comfortable thing in the world._**

**_I also stole Flynn's line from Fifty Shades Darker/Freed. I found it whilst skimming over the beginning of book three, when Ana recalls Dr. Flynn's words. So, I thought it was very fitting, and I wanted to use it._**

**_Vdh dot Virginia dot gov /ofhs/prevention/dsvp/projectradarva/documents/old er/pdf/CHIIP_PROGRAM_Domestic_Violence_Hospital_ _**

**_The Pinterest board was also updated. Don't forget to take a look._**

**_Pinterest dot com /fsogfanficlover/a-few-shades-darker/_**


	11. Talking To Flynn Part 3

**"They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered." - F. Scott Fitzgerald**

Chapter 11 - Talking To Flynn Part 3

APOV

**APOV**

"He turned himself in," Flynn says, and I gasp.

"What?" I ask, my voice just above a whisper.

"The police are on their way," he adds, and I look at him horrified.

"Why?"

"He called the captain and told him his name. They knew each other, but Christian said he wanted to confess to a crime. He told him that he hit you, and he's coming here with an officer to investigate. Although, when they see you, I'm not sure what they're going to do."

"But I didn't want to press charges," I basically stutter, shell-shocked.

"He knows that. I think I have an idea as to why he's doing this. But if you're comfortable with seeing him, there's very little time before the police get here. It's completely up to you."

"I want to see him. I need to see him," I barely choke out, with tears in my eyes. Why is he doing this?

They nod and ask if I want them to stay whilst he's here. I shake my head no, not being able to speak right now. Why, Christian?

When the door opens, I look up, and I'm met with those same gray eyes I fell in love with. Although, there's a myriad of emotions playing across his face. I try to decipher some of them. He looks broken, and I start to wonder how he's spent these past few days. He looks like he hasn't eaten or even had a decent night's sleep. Wait, why do I care what hell he's gone through? This man has broken me and here he is, trying to make it right? This doesn't make it right. It makes it worse.

I loved this man, and he broke me. He did that, to me. What am I talking about? I still love this man. It's why I didn't want to press charges in the first place. I didn't want him to ruin his life. I wanted him to be happy. If I can't be, I at least wanted one of us to be. I thought leaving would do that. I thought leaving would make him happy. He said he could love me, and I obviously couldn't be what he needed. So why is he so broken? Why is he standing here in front of me? Why isn't he happy? Isn't this what he wanted?

"Ana?" he chokes out, with tears in his eyes. He makes his way over to me, slowly, unsure of himself. I don't move, and I don't speak. I just watch. I have no words, no actions to make us better again. I can't make us who we once were. "I'm sorry," he says, moving his hand to caress my face while looking into my eyes, gray to blue. When his skin touches mine, I flinch a little at the contact but make no move to stop him. His eyes grow more hurt, if even possible. I'm angry that he's hurt, when he's the one who did this. He did this to us, to him, to me. It's all his fault, and I should hate him right now, but I don't. As much as I want to hate him, I don't. I love him. I love him with everything I am.

I close my eyes, relishing in his touch. I don't want this moment to end. I just want to forget everything that ever happened and live in this moment. I don't want to be without him, not anymore. As much as he hurt me, both physically and emotionally, I know I could never live without him. I know I shouldn't. I know I should move on, but I can't. I love him. I know it's a lame excuse, and it's not even a reason to stay, but it's true. Hell, he may not even love me, but I still want to be with him. A part of me is saying that he's just going to hurt me again. But the other part is saying everything is going to be okay. I want to listen to the part that's telling me everything is going to be okay, but at the same time, I question his feeling towards me.

"Christian…" I say, after opening my eyes and looking into his sad gray ones.

"I'm sorry," he says, closing his eyes as if in pain. Before I know it, I'm crying into his arms. My forehead is against his chest, both of my arms are wrapped around him, and he's stroking my hair while I cry into his shirt. He's still standing in front of me and stroking my hair, whilst tears fall down my cheeks. He breaks the silence.

"I've missed you, Ana. I mean it. I've learned so much while you were gone. I love you. I don't know how many times I can say it, Ana. But I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you, if that's what it means. I'm doing this, because I love you. I'm doing this so I don't hurt you again. I love you Ana. I'm going to make it right. I promise you that." He breaks our embrace and leaves a kiss on my forehead, before departing the room. Gut wrenching sobs rack my body.

He really does love me, doesn't he? But why did he do what he did? Why is he doing this now? It doesn't make any sense to me. There's still so much we need to talk about.

**CPOV**

It takes everything I have to leave Ana's room. When I told Flynn what I was doing, he asked me why. Normally, when he used to question my actions, I wouldn't even acknowledge he said anything, or I would get pissed off at his line of questions. But now, everything is so different, and I actually answered him. If getting better means actually talking to Flynn, then so be it. If it means having Ana back into my life, then I'll do anything I can to do just that. Seeing her today, seeing how much I hurt her, I know I need to do this. I love that woman in there, and I'm going to make this right. The only way I know how.

I figured that I deserve any punishment they give me, even if it is just to put it on record. They can have my money, my cars, my company, or anything else for that matter. All I want is Ana. In my eyes, going to the police is the next step forward. I've spoken somewhat with Flynn, drastically rearranged my past, been put on meds to help me with some of it, and now I need a way to remember what I did. It sounds kind of morbid, I guess. Why would I want to remember this? Well, the truth is I don't want to you. I would much rather forget this all. But as much as I want to do just that, I can't. I never want to do something like this again, and I need to remember that.

I never want to hurt Ana again, never in a million years. Hell, I didn't even want to hurt her before. I never meant for this to happen, but it did. And now I'm dealing with it, with everything. And after this is all taken care of, I'll remember what got me here. I'll remember that my actions hurt the woman I love, and I'm never going to let that happen again. I'm never going to hurt her, not me or anyone else. I'm going to spend the rest of my life making up for it, protecting her, being with her, loving her.

Flynn said I'm doing this, because I felt the need to be punished. And I guess, in a way, he's sort of right. I do feel the need to be punished for what I did. I mean, if I look at how much pain I put her through, it absolutely breaks my heart. And not only has this woman showed me how to love, but how to live. Yet, I hurt her. I hurt her beyond belief. So I think I deserve whatever it is that I have coming to me. I did this, no one else. And I finally realize that, with her help. So I guess this is my way to be found guilty for my actions. After a life of blaming other people for my problems, I've finally taken responsibility for my actions. I guess that's what this all is.

I walk into the waiting room where the captain and an officer are waiting for me, alongside my mom and Flynn.

**APOV**

I don't know how long I sit there crying, until the door opens and an officer and Dr. Flynn walk in. I quickly wipe my tears away with the back of my sweater sleeve. He's an older officer, and I have a feeling he's been doing this a long time, considering he didn't seem surprised by my appearance. I'm guessing he's seen things like this a lot. He takes a glance at Flynn, before looking back to me with the same amount of pity on his face.

"Miss Steele?" he questions, and I nod in response. I can't find my voice to talk right now. I have so many questions running through my head.

"I have some questions to ask you pertaining to Mr. Christian Grey. Would you like Dr. Flynn to stay in the room?" I nod again.

"What's your relationship with Mr. Grey?" he asks. Way to start with an easy question.

"He was my boyfriend," I say quietly, unsure of myself. Was he my boyfriend? Or was I just someone to fuck and beat? And if he was my boyfriend, is he still now?

"Do you live with Mr. Grey?" he asks after writing something down.

"No," I say, still quiet, not yet finding my voice. I feel so… broken.

"Have you have lived with Mr. Grey?"

"No." Not unless you include the sub room at Escala. But in all honesty, I wasn't with him long enough to be considered living with him.

"Has Mr. Grey ever gotten violent with you?" I somewhat cringe at the question.

"Yes," I respond, just above a whisper, looking down at my converse.

"Is this incident the first time?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me what happened?" he asks, and I inwardly sigh.

"We had an argument," I trail off, replaying the scene in my head, before speaking again.

"I tried telling him something, but he wasn't listening to me. Then I started yelling. I was just… angry. I wanted him to hear me out, but he wasn't listening to any of it. When I stopped yelling, we were both upset. And before I knew it, he hit me. When he tried to apologize, I was scared and I stepped away. I was hurt, angry, and confused. I just needed to get away. It brought up some things from my past, and I just had to leave. I went back to his room to grab my bag, and then I left. I walked back to my apartment. It was only a couple of blocks, and it was almost dawn. When I got home, I mostly just slept, until Grace came to see me. I told her what happened, and we talked, and I fell asleep, until Flynn came. When they left, I went back to sleep. All I did was sleep after that. Well, until today that is. I was supposed to go to work, but then I looked in the mirror. I ended up staying home, crying. I decided to call Flynn. He brought me here."

The officer finishes writing and then looks at Flynn.

"You knew about this?" he asks him, and Flynn nods.

"I asked her if she wanted to press charges, but she was adamant that she didn't want to. I left her my card and told her to call me if she needed anything. There wasn't a whole lot I could do at that point. But then, today when she called, and I saw how bad it had gotten, I decided it was best to bring her here. As you know, it was Christian's decision to call you. Up until this point, Miss Steele has repeatedly said she didn't want the police." I continue to look down at my shoes, not wanting to say anything more.

"I still don't understand why Grey called then," the officer replies, sounding confused. I'd like to know that answer myself.

"In my professional opinion, there were many reasons he felt the need to do this. An important one being he didn't want her to be afraid of him anymore." Flynn says, making my head snap up. That's why he did this? Why would he even care if I was afraid? Isn't that what he wanted? Or does he really want to change? Does he really want to be with me? Does he really love me?

"Is that true, Miss Steele? Did you not want to file a police report?"

"Yes," I say, looking at the officer.

"You understand that with Mr. Grey's confession and your statement, we already have to file this, correct?" he asks me, and I nod. If he hadn't of confessed, I wouldn't have even had to do this.

"You still don't have to press charges, if you don't want to. But understand, as an officer of the law, I recommend you do," he says, his voice still full of concern.

"I don't want to press charges" I say. He's already going to be given punishment for this. He doesn't need any more.

"Is it alright if I take some pictures for the report?" he asks, and I shake my head no, in agreement, wiping a stray tear from my eye with my sweater sleeve before standing up.

**CPOV**

After the captain asks me questions about what happened, he leaves me with the other officer and my mom. I feel relieved to get that done with, but I hope it isn't too hard for Ana to deal with. I feel bad enough for putting her through all this. But after what happened in her room, I'm sure of my decision. She really is afraid of me now. I can't live knowing that. I never want Ana to be afraid of me. I love her, and I want to be with her forever. I know what it's like to live in fear, and I can't have Ana living that way. I'm doing what the pimp never did, and that helps me, knowing I'm nothing like him. I made a mistake, a stupid unforgivable mistake. But him, he was just an evil person. I'm not like that. I've changed my ways.

I no longer have the need to beat little brown haired girls. I no longer have the need to control everything. The only thing I need is Ana. And here I am, trying to get my act together, so I can have her. I don't deserve her, not until I get my shit straight. Hell, I may not even deserve her then. Ana is the light of my world. I'm undeserving of her love, but amazingly enough, I still have it. And I'm going to do everything I can to have that love.

I know we need to talk about so many things, and we will. Hell, we have the rest of our lives left for talking. But right now, I want to get this over with. Then and only then will I see Ana again. I went to her already, without my medication in full effect, and I won't do it again. I know I can't base my actions solely on the medication alone, and that my actions count. But I am relying on it to help, if even just a little bit. I didn't mean to hit her the first time, and I don't plan on that happening again. I don't mean to blame the bipolar, but I'm still not sure on what happened. At the time, I was angry, and all I saw was red. But now, if I could take it all back, I would in a heartbeat.

That's how long it took me to destroy the light in my world. Now I'm working, even it takes forever, to restore a sliver of the light back into my life. And after everything I've done, I've finally gained just that sliver. But there's still so much of that light that's still missing. And after having that light, if even for a second, I know I can't live without it now.

* * *

**_A/N Alright, I'm sorry it's been awhile. But, I've finally gotten my muse back for the story. So, I want to thank ya'll for waiting. And thank you for the reviews, follows, and favorites. I'm happy that you guys are enjoying the story. And thanks to my lovely BETA, flamingpen18._**

**_Anyway, I hope you guys liked this chapter. You can PM me, or leave a review if you have any questions. I love hearing from you guys. So, thank you for the support._**

**_Pinterest dot com /MidnightSteele/a-few-shades-darker/_**


	12. Talking To Flynn Part 4

_**You might have heard this announcement before, but I have changed my Pen Name; from FSOGFanFicLover to MidnightSteele. I just wanted to make sure everyone knows, so there's no confusion.**_

* * *

_**"Forgiveness is the final form of love." - Reinhold Niebuhr****  
**_

Chapter 12 – Talking To Flynn Part 4

APOV

When he's done taking pictures, I simply want to curl up and cry. I miss Christian, and I know I shouldn't. I shouldn't even love him anymore, but the terrible truth is, I do. I love him with everything I am, and I just want to be with him. I know it's crazy and stupid, but it's the truth.

When the officer leaves, the doctor comes in immediately after. He tells me nothing looks broken, but it is badly bruised. I almost laugh at his statement. No shit, Sherlock. A man like Christian Grey doesn't do anything without full force, does he? Oh, God, I'm starting to sound cynical. I need to stop. I'm going to go crazy…

He gives me a prescription for the pain and leaves to go get the discharge papers, leaving me alone with Flynn. I don't mind the company at this point. In fact, it's kind of comforting. I've been alone in my apartment, so Flynn being here is nice.

"Are you going to be okay?" Flynn asks when I gently wipe away another silent tear with my sleeve. I don't know why I keep crying, but this whole situation feels like too much. I just want to be happy again. And the time when I remember being happiest is when I was with Christian. As short of time it was, I know in my heart it was meant to be. He's my soulmate through thick or thin. And as much as I hate that this happened, there's nothing I can do about it now.

Sure, I could run, but I would only be hurting myself more. If I stay, there's a chance it will never happen again. I'm willing to take that risk for him. I may be making the wrong decision, and it may be the stupidest thing I've ever done. But this is what I want. I want to be with Christian.

Hopefully, Flynn can help me with that. Hopefully, Flynn can help us. We have a lot of problems to face, and they aren't going to be easy. But I have a feeling we can get through them. I think we're going to make it out on top. That's all anyone can really ask for, right? Everyone wants a shot at being happy ever after. Here I am, trying to get my happily ever after. It's going to be a battle, but I'm willing to fight for it. The only way I'm going to fight is if I have Christian by my side. None of this matters without him. Without us, I am nothing. So I guess I am just going to be that stupid girl. I'm going to be stupid, and I'm going to stay. We're going to get better. It's just going to take some time.

"I'm going to be fine…" I trail off with a sad smile. I might look crazy right now, being able to smile at all after what happened to me. But people do it all the time, right? Some people smile all the time, and they have it worse than me. I'm not saying that I have to smile, because people have it worse off. But what I am saying is that I guess anyone really only needs a reason to smile. I guess I found that reason.

"Can I see Christian?" I ask. I probably sound even crazier. I mean, it's crazy that I want to see him, right? Sure, I'm still broken over what's happened, but, I'm fixing myself. And I want me and Christian to heal together. Hell, I just want to be with him. If he means what he said about changing, then I really think we can work this out. I think we deserve another chance, and I want to give us that. We have a lot to work out, but if we both put in the effort, I think we can do it.

"Um... I'll go see what's going on," Flynn says, and I nod softly.

As I wait in the room alone, I suddenly miss Christian all the more. I might really end up regretting this, but if I give up, I'm just going to regret it all the more. I'm determined to work this out between us, no matter how hard it's going to be. I know he's what makes me happy. I guess, when you know, you just know.

There's a knock on the door, before I see Christian walk in with Flynn. I see the officer that spoke to me outside the door, but I focus on Christian. I want to talk to him, but I don't want Flynn to be here when I do it. As much as I want his help, this is something that needs to happen with the two of us. Flynn can repair the damages later. But right now, I just want to discuss something with Christian alone.

**CPOV**

I'm with the officer and my mom,in the waiting room; when the chief comes out. They were in there for a long time, and I was starting to wonder if she was alright.

By the time he gets to us, I also see Flynn walk out of the room. I shift uncomfortably on my feet. I deserve whatever it is I have coming to me. But I have to admit, I'm afraid of what that entails.

"Mr. Grey, we're going to finish our report. Miss Steele may not have wanted to go through with this, but we have no choice," the chief says, and I nod slightly. I knew this was going to happen. I guess this makes it real...

"Will you wait to make an arrest?" Flynn asks, now standing by the officer. He obviously knew that this was going to happen too. Why does he want to wait?

"I'll take him to the station myself," Flynn continues, and I raise an eyebrow at that. Why can't I just go now?

"Alright, you have four hours, Grey," the captain says before he and the officer leave. Once they can no longer hear us, Flynn speaks again.

"She wants to see you..." he trails off, and I nod hesitantly before walking to her room. I hear Flynn and my mom. I can't even comprehend what they say. I don't even know how to explain how I feel right now. And when I enter the room, I feel my breath leave me once more. I can't believe I did this, me, no one else. This is all on me, and it breaks my heart to know I caused her this pain.

"Ana?" I say. It comes out broken, and its more like a question. She doesn't say anything, but a tear falls down her bruised face. My heart breaks all over again.

"We don't have long before I have to go," I say, and she nods slightly. I know she's even more broken than I am.

"When can we talk... about everything?" she asks, and my eyes widen.

"What is there to talk about?" I ask. I thought she was done with me, with us. As much as it pains me, I understand why she left. That doesn't mean that I don't want her back, but I didn't think it would ever become real. I mean, how can she forgive me for this? I was hit as a child, and I still haven't even forgiven my abuser? Is this what love is? Forgiveness? Forgives that I know I don't even deserve. Why? How? How can she even want to see me? I'm a monster. She deserves so much better. Maybe I should just walk away. Maybe I should just let her be happy. Can I really live without her? I don't think I can. But what am I going to do if she leaves me again?

" I just... What you said... Did you mean it?" she asks desolate. I wish I could take her pain away.

I slowly approach her, not wanting to scare her. I don't want her to be afraid of me. She shouldn't have to be. What I said was true.

"Of course I meant it, Ana. I meant everything I said, Ana. I love you. I just wish I would have realized sooner. I regret everything I did, Ana. This is the only way I could think to make it up to you. I'm sorry. I hope you will forgive me, Ana. But I understand if you can't. I just want you to know I love you. And I'm trying to get better. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to be the man you deserve, even if you never take me back. I'll try until my last breath, because that's how much I love you... to the moon and back..." I trail off, and she gasps slightly. What? Isn't that what she wanted? Did I do something wrong? I just want to love her.

When more tears fall down her face, I just want to wrap her in my arms. I want to hold her, comfort her. I want to give her all the love I have. I want to give her all the love she deserves. I may not have a lot to give, but she can have everything I am. This love I hold for her strong, intense, and so much more. I feel like she deserves more love than I have to offer. It's not that I don't want to love her, but I feel like she deserves better. So this has to be enough, right? I mean, I give her with everything I am. That's enough for her, is it not? Does she even still love me? Is that why she gasped? Is she's over me?

"Christian," she breathes, wrapping her arms around me. I can't help but cradle her in my arms. This love has to be enough. She has to love me back.

"I love you to, Christian, but I'm scared," she whispers, and a lone tear falls down my check.

" I know, baby. I know," I say, matching her tone. How could I think this would make what I did any better? I'm still a monster. I hurt the woman I love in the worst way possible. I want to be a better person. I really do. She makes me want to be a better man. The truth is, I'm going to always regret what I did, and nothing is going to make that any better. So I'm just going to have to live with that. As much as it hurts, there's nothing anybody can do about it. After all is said and done and at the end of the day, it still happened. I just want us to be able to get past that, though. I'm not sure how we ever will. I think that's what hurts me the most.

I don't know how long we sit there in each others arms. But when I finally snap out of whatever dream state I was in, I realize I have to leave soon. I'm going to pay for my mistakes soon, and I have to let her go, at least for a little while. I don't want to lose her, not again. But I know I need to do this. So with all of my emotional strength, I pull away slightly. We're still close, not wanting to let the other go. I wonder why she wants to hang on. I thought she would never want to see me again after what happened. But here she is, seemingly happy to see me. Although there is sadness in her eyes, I know it's because of where we're at. We're at a crossroads right now.

**APOV**

Sitting here with Christian, I couldn't ask for anything more. I've missed him more than I care to admit. Why can't I just forget about this man? Why did I have to fall in love with him? He's the only one that could ever hurt me like this. And now that I've been broken, I know I don't want to go back to that. I can't deal with that heartache again.

So here I am, hoping things have really changed and hoping we can really try to be together. Most of all, I am praying that his words are true. After breaking away from our embrace, I know it's time for him to leave. I don't want him to go. I want to stay like this forever.

When he looks into my eyes, I see the pain they hold. I want to love his pain away.

"Will you come to Escala? I don't want you to be alone," he says, looking lovingly into my eyes. I start to shake my head no, when he speaks again.

"I have to go to the station. I would feel more comfortable with you there. Mrs. Jones and Taylor will be there…." he trails off, looking at me with pleading eyes.

"Why? What happens when you return?" I ask sadly. We still have a lot to talk about. I don't know how I feel about staying with him. He shrugs, looking like a lost boy.

"I just, don't want you to be alone. I want to be able to talk to you, when I return. Please, don't leave me, Ana. We're going to work this out. I promise. I understand if you can't," he says, and I contemplate his words for a minute.

"Um... okay. Only for a little while…" I'm unsure if it's the right decision, but I somehow feel like it was. Even through all the pain, I do want to work on this. Hopefully, this is a start to doing that.

Our embrace is interrupted by a knock on the door, and we slowly pull apart. At the door is Taylor, whose usual mask is haunted with a hint of remorse.

"Sir, we should be going. Paparazzi have gathered outside," Taylor says, and we fall silent. Christian's hand is in mine, and he regards Taylor with both sadness and a hint of surprise.

* * *

_**A/N I looked up "Domestic Violence Charges", and that's how I came up with it in this chapter. I don't know about other states, but I looked it up for Washington. And even then, I didn't quite follow it. There was a ton of stuff, so I just kind of made all of that my own. I just wanted to let you guys know I don't come up with complete baloney.**_

_**I didn't want to follow it completely, because if I had, Christian would have to be given a No Contact Order (NCO). And if I would have followed that, it meant he wouldn't have been able to have any contact with Ana. So, I decided to follow most of the laws; and do the rest my way.**_

_**I also wanted to thank my BETA; flamingpen18. A huge help with two of my stories, and I don't know what I would do without her.**_

_**So, I'm sorry to make you wait so long for an update. But, I hope you guys enjoyed. And don't forget to let me know what you think. There is also a Pinterest page for this story, that you can look at; if you want.**_

_**Pinterest dot com /MidnightSteele/a-few-shades-darker/**_


	13. Arriving At Escala

_**"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." - Mother Teresa**_

Chapter 13 – Arriving At Escala

CPOV

I knew it was only a matter of time before the pap's figured out something. I don't know what they know, and I really don't care at this point. I only want to make sure Ana gets to Escala safety.

I'm elated that she agreed to stay there, whilst I deal with the rest of this. I'm certain I will receive some kind of sentence. And while I do, I will be comforted by the thought that Ana is safe. Her safety is one of my biggest worries. I know it sounds crazy to hear that come out of my mouth, but it's true. Yes, I made a mistake, and I did the worst thing a man could probably do. But that doesn't mean I don't regret it, because I do. I hate myself for what I did, and I wish I could take it back. But I'm still accepting the fact that I can't.

So here I am, trying to be a better man. And so far, it seems to be working for me… for us. But it's not like it's been that long. There's still forever, so I guess I have a lot to work on. If I am going to be with this woman for the rest of my life, I'm going to be the man she deserves. I guess that's my new goal in life. Nothing else matters to me. Well, that's not true. There are things that matter to me, things I care about, but Anastasia means the most. She's the light of my life, and I'm going to do everything I can to keep her in it. I don't want to ever be away from her, if even for a little while. I'm so lost without her. I don't know what I would do if she left me again. I need her in my life. It's as simple as that.

So I guess I just have to wait a little while until we can get there. There isn't much time left until we can be together again.

"I'll be a minute, Taylor," I say demurely. _Don't take your anger out on other people._ When he leaves hesitantly, I understand his weary. I swear I'm never going to do that again. I'm working on being a better person. I just hope people can understand that.

"Are you ready to go?" I ask Ana, depressed that our time is up.

"I guess I don't really have a choice," she says rather sadly. _Don't control other people, Grey._ I take her hand in mine and caress it gently, looking into those sad blue eyes; my heart breaks once again. I did this. I need to fix this. I need to show people I've changed. I need to show Ana I can be the man she deserves.

"You always have a choice, Ana," I say calmly, and she half smiled reassuringly. She nods her head slightly and stands, holding my hand. We walk out in the hallway where Flynn and Taylor are. Taylor tells us that SUV is already pulled around for us and will drop Flynn and myself off at the station. After that, Taylor will take Ana to her apartment to get some things, before going to Escala. My lawyer is already waiting at the station, although I don't really need one at this point.

Before leaving the hospital, Flynn hands Ana a pair of sunglasses. They're large, plain, black framed and hide a large part of the bruise. Very little of it shows, but knowing it's there is a knife in my heart. I will be eternally full of regret for what I did. She puts the hood of her sweater on, and her wavy brown hair falls out the sides of the hood. She's beautiful, even after being broken, and it proves how strong she is. It makes me want to care for her all the more. I want to be the one she leans on when she needs a friend. I want to be the one to hold her when she needs comfort. I want to be her everything, because she's my everything.

We walk out, bombarded with flashing lights. Security are working on keeping paparazzi far enough away. But I'm thankful to have Ana tucked underneath my arm. As Taylor leads us to the SUV, we try keeping our heads down, avoiding the questions.

_"Miss Steele, are you staying with Mr. Grey?"_

_"Mr. Grey, are you going to jail?"_

_"Miss Steele, have you forgiven Mr. Grey?"_

_"How long have you two been together?"_

_"Mr Grey, do you regret what you did?"_

_"Mr. Grey, what happens next with your life?"_

I can't help but blanche at a few. Of course I regret what I did. When I stop, almost to the SUV, security panics. I shrug it off, as the paps surround us. They keep a respectable distance around us, creating a circle. Ana tries tugging us away, but cowers under my arm when we don't move. I have to get this out there.

"I love Anastasia Steele. I was wrong for what I did. My only hope is that Anastasia has forgiven me. I don't care what happens next as long as I have her in my life." The cameras continue going crazy, and they continue shooting questions about my company. I ignore the rest of it and continue going to the SUV. I just want to get out of here now.

When Taylor drives off, the car remains silent. Ana hasn't said anything, but I notice she also hasn't pulled her hand away from mine. For that, I'm thankful. I like holding her hand. I know it sounds stupid, but it's true. Her skin is soft, and her touch makes me feel warm on the inside. I know I may sound like a pansy, but I guess love with do that to a guy. I mean, I've never had a romantic bone in my body, not until Anastasia came into my life. And to be honest, she makes me want to be that guy 24/7. I think her needs will always come before mine. Honestly, I don't know what I would do without her. I need her in my life, every minute from this moment on.

Arriving at Escala, the are a few paps camped outside the building. Taylor parks in the garage, where they have no access, and we get into the elevator. Arriving on my floor, I lead Anastasia to my room. The great room holds to many harmful memories. Her eyes grow wide as she takes in where we're going, but I assure her that I just want to talk. Although that may not be all I want to do, I'm not going to try anything right now. We need to talk, and I can't have sex clouding our judgments. I just want to have a simple conversation with her, before I have to leave. I don't know what's going to happen when I leave, so I want to spend what time I can with Ana.

My room is now clean, thanks to Mrs. Jones. I have been living in it these past couple of days. I'm not surprised she went on a cleaning spree. _Don't forget to thank her, Grey, my subconscious reminds me._ I never would have given a second thought to thanking someone, before I met Anastasia that is. I take a seat in the chair next to the bed and take a look into my beautiful girls eyes. _She's not yours, Grey. You have to win her back. Be sincere, asshole. Don't screw this up._

I take a calm breath, deciding what to say. I'm a little lost as to how to explain what I'm feeling. It's one thing to feel it. It's another to describe it, and it's a whole other thing to say it out loud. In simple terms, she's bewitched me.

APOV

Sitting in Christian's room, I can't help but recall the few memories we have in here. Even as little as they may be, I remember I'm the only woman he's brought in here. And that alone makes me feel special. Maybe he really does love me.

"What did you want to talk about? Hasn't it all been said?" I say, and his eyes widen a bit at my outburst. I can't help but still be a little angry at him. I still feel a little broken. He may have said he's sorry, and he may have said he loved me, but how do I know it's true? How do I know he really loves me, if he doesn't show he loves me. So far, besides words, I have nothing.

Sure, we do have a lot of firsts together. But after that, where does it leave me? The memories I have are wonderful, but there's still that one awful memory of him hitting me. I guess, after that, I can't help question this, so called, love for me. I mean, why the sudden change in demeanor?

"Has it?" he questions, leaving me without words. Uh, I think it has. What else is there? Is there something I'm missing? Some key piece that I can't figure out? What is it? Before I can come up with a witty remark, he continues.

"Did you know I cut Elena out of my life?" he questions, and I gasp. He cut Elena out of his life? I thought he was friends with that pedo bitch. Why did he do it? I shake my head no, hoping he will explain. He doesn't, but he continues on like there's a list in his head.

"I ripped the playroom apart," he says, and again, I stared with wide eyes.

"What?" I whisper, catching myself from stuttering. Why? I question again and again in my head. He appears not to hear me question what, and instead, continues.

"I talked to Flynn…" he trails off with a loss for words. These admissions are flying around in my head. I slowly become more and more confused. Why did he do it all? It's finally answered, when I take one look into his gray eyes. He looks pained, and when he speaks, my question is answered.

"I did it all for you," he says meekly, unwilling to meet my eyes. I silently walk over to him, and when I'm standing in front of him, I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. He looks like a lost boy. I quietly whisper his name, afraid that I may startle him. I whisper it again but still nothing. When I try again, my voice is pleading and weak. He finally looks up, and the floodgates open. Tears fall from my eyes, as I slowly take his face in my hands. I bend down and give him a chaste kiss on the lips. When there's no response, I do it again.

This time, he gently pulls me down to him so I'm sitting on his lap. We're holding each other tight, not wanting to let the other go. Kissing chastely every so often reminds me just how much I missed his lips against mine. This, somehow, feels right, like it's meant to be. I want to be with Christian. Forever. No matter what happens, I want to be with him. As crazy as that may seem, I've never said anything more true, despite what happened. Although we still have a lot to talk about, I know this is where I belong.


End file.
